“MCCONNELL BEGAN ONE OF THOSE SPEECHES AND I LOST MY HEAD,” SAYS DEM SENATOR “X.” When Senator Mitch McConnell began one of his monotoned, non-blinking speeches about viruses, one Democratic senator had had enough. “This guy could stop a rampaging elephant herd with his adenoidal drones,” says Democratic Senator “X.” “I couldn’t stand it anymore. … READ MORE
Soon after Rand Paul ended his filibuster on drones, the White House ordered drones to follow the Kentucky Senator.
WASHINGTON, DC – Scott Brown will be sworn in today, ahead of schedule. CSPAN is expecting the sexiest Senate inauguration ever!
WASHINGTON, DC – The government has been forced to pull back on defense spending. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates is pulling funding on F22 and Area 51, which is expected to close within the month.
PHOENIX, AZ – After losing the 2008 presidential election by nearly 200 electoral votes and nearly six percent of the popular vote, Senator John McCain is understandably in very low spirits.
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Angels and demons have quietly entered into peace talks, thanks to Senator John McCain!
UPDATE: At a pivotal moment in the nation’s history, America’s newest Deputy Treasury Secretary, Bat Boy, was nowhere to be found. This revelation sent shockwaves through the market and Washington D.C. on Monday.
Where was Bat Boy? He had scurried off to see his favorite band, Vampire Weekend, play a secret show in Brooklyn on Saturday night. He watched and devoured mosquitoes while the nation burned.
