“MCCONNELL BEGAN ONE OF THOSE SPEECHES AND I LOST MY HEAD,” SAYS DEM SENATOR “X.”
When Senator Mitch McConnell began one of his monotoned, non-blinking speeches about viruses, one Democratic senator had had enough. “This guy could stop a rampaging elephant herd with his adenoidal drones,” says Democratic Senator “X.” “I couldn’t stand it anymore. I threw a pie.”
The pie hit McConnell right in the kisser mid-drone, and, amazingly, he kept gabbing. Another pie was thrown. And another.
“Within a minute,” says a staffer. “There was a full-blown pie fight.”
Democrats pummeled Republicans. Republicans hurled back at Democrats. Before anyone knew what was going on, the Senate floor was covered in custard.
“It was a sight to see,” says another staffer. “The Democrats were really targeting their pies. I mean, they were into it. It was as if three years of Republicans not bothering to govern brought out the beast in them or, at the very least, their inner-slapstick. The Republicans could barely throw. And, when they did, they mostly threw up in the air, inadvertently pie-ing themselves.”
“I have to admit, it was refreshing,” said BBC reporter Niles Giles. “This was the first honest release of emotion I’ve seen since Trump was coronated.”
CUSTARD’S LAST FLING
By all accounts, the Democrats scored a culinary victory. “Republican Senator Susan Collins got more than a few custard hits. Between spitting out chunks of custard, she said that she hoped that Democrats would learn from their mistakes. She was, then, hit with another fusillade.
Senator Ted Cruz dove under his desk with a rosary, before Democratic Senator Jon Tester pied him in the butt. Republican Senator from Alaska, Lisa Murkowsi, was hit by a pie but denied it had happened. “I use Cole cream,” she said. Republican Senator Marco Rubio was denied a pie and, instead, was smacked in the face with empty pie-pans.
“He wasn’t worth the custard,” said Democratic Senator “X.”
SENATOR GRAHAM THREW UNDERHAND
Republican Senator Tom Cotton was totally ignored as he is in non-pie-throwing life. It was noted that Senator Lindsay Graham threw underhand and, then, covered his eyes, giggling. Jim Inhofe pulled a gun.
On the Democratic side, Senator Bernie Sanders was pied and declared himself to be a patron of the bakery unions. Senator Diane Feinstein ducked the pies and produced a Super-Soaker to repel the Republicans. Amy Klobuchar produced a bullhorn and drove back the aggressive hordes through sheer bloviation.
Senator Elizabeth Warren surprised everyone by hurling dozens of pies, one in each hand, while talking about healthcare. Republican Senator Rand Paul was caught, not only pie-ing himself, but punching himself in the face, later blaming it all on a neighbor.
By the time the pie-fight was done, most of the Senate was covered in sugary goop and was slip-sliding out the chamber.
Mitch McConnell was still speaking, covered in enough custard to make his words dribble out in bubbles and crumbs.
“It was worth it,” says Maine Senator Angus King. “I think it’s the first time any Senator has had to confront his or her voting record in a zesty, tasty way.”
Rumors have it that, the next time the House of Representatives meet, it’s spitball time.