CHARLIE SHEEN SIGNED BY ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS

PHOENIX – The Arizona Diamondbacks signed Charlie Sheen as a reserve second baseman for the remainder of the season.

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PhD APE TO COUNSEL MCCAIN FOLLOWING HISTORIC LOSS

PHOENIX, AZ – After losing the 2008 presidential election by nearly 200 electoral votes and nearly six percent of the popular vote, Senator John McCain is understandably in very low spirits.

STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS TO TIME TRAVEL

PHOENIX, AZ – With his presidential bid seen as lost, John McCain is putting a Flux Capacitor on the Straight Talk Express.

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Bat Boy Falls for Meghan McCain

PHOENIX, AZ – At age 13, the mysterious Bat Boy’s hormones are apparently kicking in — he’s developed a crush on Senator John McCain’s daughter Meghan!

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