COUNTY WILTSHIRE – Archaeologists working for BP have made a startling new find at Stonehenge – oil.
Frank Lake
GIDEONS PLACE STRIPPERS IN HOTEL ROOMS
LINCOLN, NE – The Gideons have expanded their hotel distribution system. In addition to bibles, they will now be placing a stripper in every hotel room.
FARTING MAKES BOYS SMARTER
WASHINGTON – The Center for Education Policy has released the results of a study that proves conclusively that farting raises IQ levels in boys.
PETE BEST SHOOTS RINGO
CANANDAIGUA, NY – Ringo Starr was leaving the stage after his concert last night, when Pete Best, the first drummer of The Beatles shot him with a handgun.
TEENS GET HIGH LISTENING TO MEL GIBSON TAPES
NEW YORK, NY – They put on their headphones, drape hoods over their head and drift off into a world of “Mel highs.”
SENATE VOTES TO GIVE UNEMPLOYED NEW HOUSES, CARS
WASHINGTON – The Senate voted 60-40 on Tuesday to move forward with buying new houses and cars for all unemployed Americans.
KILLER COWS CROSS INTO KANSAS
BOURBON COUNTY – Killer Cows, first discovered in South Texas last year, ambled into Kansas today. Local residents are frightened.
OBAMA PORTRAYS FELA AT WH LAST NIGHT
WASHINGTON – Broadway came to the White House for a night and President Obama’s portrayal of Fela was a smash hit!
SPANISH MOVED TO #1 ON VOICE PROMPTS
EL PASO, TX – In response to protests by Hispanic groups, telephony companies are reprogramming language voice prompts. Spanish will move from #2 to #1.
ALIENS RUN FOURTH BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT
WASHINGTON, DC – The Washington Post unveiled the first installment of its Top Secret America series, revealing that much of America is now being controlled by aliens.