CANANDAIGUA, NY – Ringo Starr was leaving the stage after his concert last night, when Pete Best, the first drummer of The Beatles shot him with a handgun.
Frank Lake
TEENS GET HIGH LISTENING TO MEL GIBSON TAPES
NEW YORK, NY – They put on their headphones, drape hoods over their head and drift off into a world of “Mel highs.”
SENATE VOTES TO GIVE UNEMPLOYED NEW HOUSES, CARS
WASHINGTON – The Senate voted 60-40 on Tuesday to move forward with buying new houses and cars for all unemployed Americans.
KILLER COWS CROSS INTO KANSAS
BOURBON COUNTY – Killer Cows, first discovered in South Texas last year, ambled into Kansas today. Local residents are frightened.
OBAMA PORTRAYS FELA AT WH LAST NIGHT
WASHINGTON – Broadway came to the White House for a night and President Obama’s portrayal of Fela was a smash hit!
SPANISH MOVED TO #1 ON VOICE PROMPTS
EL PASO, TX – In response to protests by Hispanic groups, telephony companies are reprogramming language voice prompts. Spanish will move from #2 to #1.
ALIENS RUN FOURTH BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT
WASHINGTON, DC – The Washington Post unveiled the first installment of its Top Secret America series, revealing that much of America is now being controlled by aliens.
THE STEVE JOBS SOLUTION: STOP MAKING PHONE CALLS!
CUPERTINO, CA – On Friday, Steve Jobs announced his solution for iPhone 4 customers: “stop making phone calls!”
ELECTRIC RACE CAR BREAKS SPEEDWAY RECORD
FONTANA, CA – The KleenSpeed WX10, driven by Timothy Collins, set a record at the Fontana Speedway, smashing the previous one set by Jeff Gordon in 1997.
FIREMAN TAKES ON CHICAGO RIVER MONSTER
Chicago, IL — Last night a brave South Side fireman took on the Chicago River Monster, who had been dormant for the last fifty-seven years.