WASHINGTON – President Obama announced yesterday that he is canceling the 2012 elections, due to the jobs crisis.
THE NORTH KOREAN EGG CRISIS
PYONGYANG – The Defense Department has learned that North Korea is behind the tainted eggs found in American grocery stores.
THE UNEMPLOYED FORM A UNION
DETROIT – Out-of-work Americans are signing up in record numbers for a union, the Union of Unemployed Americans.
BLAGO JURORS WIN POWERBALL LOTTERY
CHICAGO – On the same night jurors acquitted former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich of all but one charge, they won the $64 million Powerball lottery.
BOZO THE PRESS SECRETARY
WASHINGTON – Following the advice of Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL), President Obama fired Robert Gibbs and hired… Bozo.
SEIU TO UNIONIZE LEMONADE STANDS
PEORIA, IL – Federal authorities are helping SEIU unionize lemonade stands across the country.
OBAMA TO DEPORT 15 MILLION REPUBLICANS
DALLAS, TX – Secretary of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano, announced the White House’s plan to deport 15 million Republicans to Mexico.
RUSSIA SWAPS PUTIN FOR PALIN
AUSTRIA – In a secret swap on the tarmac of the Vienna airport, Russia and the United States returned their respective spies: Vladmir Putin and Sarah Palin.
BAT BOY PUT IN CHARGE OF U.S. CYBER COMMAND
BREAKING – Washington, D.C. The White House announced this morning that they will be putting Bat Boy in charge of the newly created “Perfect Citizen” cyber program.