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FIREMAN TAKES ON CHICAGO RIVER MONSTER

Chicago, IL — Last night a brave South Side fireman took on the Chicago River Monster, who had been dormant for the last fifty-seven years.
The 200-ton reptile that first terrorized Chicago residents back in 1953 emerged again last night. The monster would have done millions of dollars of damage and may have cost a number of lives, if it weren’t for a brave firefighter who stood up to the monster on his own with a fire gun.   Alvin Johnson, who had just joined the CFD a year ago rushed in to lend a hand.  The battalion captain had advised all of his men to stay back and they were going to call in the National Guard, but Alvin couldn’t be stopped.
With no regard for his personal safety, Johnson ran to a water pump, got the controls and started unleashed a torrent of water on the monster.  “I didn’t think about it.  If I did, I would have run away, too.  My adrenaline was pumping and I just got to the controls and let that ugly monster have it,” Firefighter Johnson said.  Some baby boomers that were familiar with the Chicago River Monster thought Johnson was incredibly brave, others thought he was incredibly stupid.  “He could have got torn to pieces.  That boy had no sense,” said Sheila Bourelly.  “I ran home, locked the doors and prayed. That is one nasty monster.”
Weekly World News spoke with fifteen witnesses who say that the water from the fire hose only agitated the monster more, and the monster smashed a pier and a bridge. But Johnson persisted.  “I wasn’t gonna let that ugly thing get the best of me.  No, sir.”   Johnson kept at it and after forty minutes the monster went back into the water.  Local authorities think the monster may be in Lake Michigan now, but they can’t say for sure.
The Chicago River Monster was first sighted back in 1953 when Dolores and Fred Williams were on a stroll following their thirtieth wedding anniversary. They saw the monster rear it’ head out of the water.  They tried to run, but the monster grabbed them and tossed them at a nearby building.  At least they died together.
Firefighter Johnson will be honored at a ceremony next month and will receive the “Fireslayer of the Year” award.  He also received a call from President Obama who is thankful for him protecting his hometown city.
Many local residents are still on edge.  The Chicago River Monster has been dormant for a long time, but once he’s awakened, there’s no telling what he will do.  At least Chicago residents will be comforted to know that Firefighter Johnson is ready to take on the monster again.

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23 thoughts on “FIREMAN TAKES ON CHICAGO RIVER MONSTER”

    • Fatru – you think you are a river monster expert or something…? Ever seen one before…? I thought not. Leave the news to the professionals!

  1. I have to say, this is the most impressive piece of ridiculousness I have seen recently. The "monster" is clearly man made and would at first glance appear to be a figurehead, though I expect a costume mask on a fence post edited into a firefighter boat picture is another one. Wow–fun, though, in a way, given the "world's only reliable news" statement (truth in advertising much, eh?). Hurrah for random weblinks.

    Reply
    • Anonther river monster genious???!!!! Sometimes the hardest stories to believe are the ones where the most lives are at stake!

    • Those are not professionals, there idiots as you.
      You really think that this is the only news that shows the truth? Why havent you seen this on another newspaper?Cmon lets be serious

    • Don't Bogart that story, Bogart.
      Do you have a Ph.D. in obvious… or just way too much free time on your hands? Unemployed? Unloved? Living in North Korea? Every consider joining the Taliban?
      H. Bogart doesn't deserve you.
      Floyd

  2. YES!! This is REAL you stupid idiots!! My UNCLE was the firefighter in this story..I was there when Obama called him and I even got to say "hello" to Obama too!!!!!

    Reply
    • Your uncle should be ashamed of himself for taking the call from Obama. I would have hung up on him because it is his misguided lefty agenda that cut things like the Riverine Early Awareness Defence Initiative (READI). Incidents like this are the result, and thousands of Americans living near rivers are at risk. Sorry, but I don't see your uncle as a hero — more like a mercenary.

    • What kind of a man squirts a monster with water anyway? A real man would have been shooting this thing with his M16, not a firehose!! Unless maybe he DIDN'T WANT IT TO DIE… you know… good for publicity.

  3. wow people are really dumb they think that this is real and they talked to the president wow this is whats wrong with america

    Reply
  4. DUDE…. look at the so called "Monster" closely….. it looks like a mask on a post. and lets not forget about that firefighter that was either playing a joke, or edited into the picture. the only reason i even read weekly world news is to see things like…. how ridiculous the next stories always are. SHAME.

    Reply
  5. Blagojevich Aides Confirm Former Governor was at Hair Salon…
    at the time of the mos trecent Chicago River Monster incident. But they could not refute that when his hair gets wet, it can look uncannily like the image at left in the above photo.
    However, for just over $15k in unmarked bills in a brown paper bag, Governor Blagojevich will help get the River Monster to "understand" your point of view on any waterfront development.

    Reply
  6. LOOK CLOSELY TO THE BACK GROUND THERE IS A PANEL WALL BEHIND THE MONSTER
    AND A NEW FIRE FIGHTER WOULD NOT BE WEARING A WHITE HELMET THIS IS SO FAKE

    Reply
  7. Guys, Im sorry, but I really did fight that monster, OK!??? It's not funny. I almost died! It was like all over the place, and so fast!

    Reply

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