WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an attempt to boost his chances, McCain offered to fix the economy by selling secret government artifacts on Ebay.
Reginald Cunningham III
MANIGATOR UPSETS MCCAIN RALLY
KEY LARGO, FL – Manigator flees arrest at a McCain rally where he bit a man he claimed was “Un-American.”
OBATMA AND BAT BOY TOUR U.S.
JOPLIN, MO – The recent unveiling of Obama’s mutant half brother has guaranteed him the mutant vote.
BAT BOY BACKS OBAMA
Obatma’s half-brother, Barack Obama, has received the political endorsement of America’s favorite precocious mutant: Bat Boy.
TINA FEY SHOOTS A BIGFOOT
WASILLA, AK – Tina Fey, who has made headlines recently by impersonating Governor Sarah Palin, has gone so far as to lampoon her famous aerial shooting of a Bigfoot.
PALIN POSED WITH ALIEN BEER
Racy photos have emerged of Sarah Palin posing with alien beer during her beauty queen days.
MCCAIN-BORG UPGRADES FOR DEBATE
DALLAS, TX – Republican presidential nominee John McCain announced Monday he will suspend his campaign yet again in order to upgrade his cybernetic systems.
PALIN BAGS A BIGFOOT
WASILLA, AK – Records and eyewitnesses have come to light that prior to announcing her candidacy for the Vice Presidency; Sarah Palin shot a Bigfoot from a helicopter.
A government helicopter was seen flying low over the Chugach National Park with what witnesses described as “a sexy librarian shooting out the side.” Employees at a local bait shop report seeing a similar woman only hours before carrying an infant in a camouflage Baby Bjorn.
MICHAEL CERA HEALS CHILD
LOS ANGELES, CA – Sensitive hipster comedian performs divine healing. Most commonly noted for his shy and awkward comic characters, Michael Cera was witnessed healing a sick child with his self-deprecating humor.
EMPEROR BLOOMBERG
NEW YORK, NY – Mayor Mike Bloomberg has crowned himself Emperor of New York. The two term mayor has decided to sidestep legal term limits requiring him to step down next year by crowning himself sovereign ruler.