MONTEREY, CA – Scientists have finally caught the barreleye fish on video, verifying it’s transparent head and internal eyes!
Dallas Commagreens
CHIMP ATTACK FAMILY SEEKS COUNSEL
STAMFORD, CT – Travis the chimp was shot dead after brutally attacking a human, and now his family is seeking comfort and advice from the world’s only PhD Ape.
SECRETARIES PROTEST STARBUCKS DECAF CHANGE
SEATTLE, WA – Secretaries have begun rioting near Starbucks’ headquarters after news spread that decaf coffee would no longer be brewed after noon.
ABE WAS A BABE
LEXINGTON, KY – Despite repeated comparisons, Abraham Lincoln was more different from Barack Obama than you ever could have imagined.
SECRETS OF CHENEY’S SAFE REVEALED
WASHINGTON, DC – Handymen accidentally cracked open the man-sized safe of exiting Vice President Dick Cheney while transferring his effects.
UPDATE: STEVE JOBS STEPPING DOWN
UPDATE: Steve Jobs has just announced he will be taking a leave of absence – in order to complete his gender re-assignment!
APPLE FOUNDER TO LOSE ADAM’S APPLE
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – It was revealed this week that cancer survivor and Apple CEO Steve Jobs was undergoing hormone therapy to counteract his notable weight loss.
BAT BOY HUNTS MADOFF
SENECA FALLS, W.VA – Bernard Madoff may be free on bail from fraud charges but Bat Boy has pledged to see him punished!
WEEKLY WORLD NEWS IN TALKS TO BUY TRIBUNE
CHICAGO, IL – Sam Zell has met privately with an Alien contingent representing the interests of Weekly World News.