BALTIMORE, MD – A recently completed study has shown that profanity leveled at deities can extend your lifespan.
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STANFORD FOUND BY BAT BOY
ARLINGTON, VA – Billionaire-on-the-run Allen Stanford has been located and taken into custody, all thanks to Bat Boy.
LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS FOUND?
CANARY ISLANDS – A perfect rectangle of criss-crossing lines has been found on the ocean floor 620 miles off the coast of West Africa. Is this the lost city of Atlantis?
OBAMA CLOSES BANKING LOOPHOLE
WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama announced today his next move in his crusade to get the economy back on track – end off-world banking!
WHALES TAKE DOWN SOMALI PIRATES
CAIRO—The Egyptian government is calling on the gentle giants of the sea to take out pirate ships, and the whales are getting the job done.
MAN SUES HIMSELF FOR $8 MILLION
NEW YORK, NY – Wall Street executive Robert Rubin has successfully sued himself for $8 million.
NADYA SULEMAN’S DOCTOR REVEALED
LOS ANGELES, CA – As details about the Suleman octuplets emerge, questions are being asked about Suleman’s fertility doctor.
POPE EXORCISES PELOSI
VATICAN CITY – What was to be a diplomatic mission became a controversial event when Pope Benedict XVI performed an impromptu exorcism on Nancy Pelosi!
CIGAR-SHAPED UFO SPOTTED
BURNHAM-ON-SEA, UK – Video has emerged of a strange object hovering in the sky above a sea-side campsite.
SASQUATCH MUSIC FESTIVAL ANNOUNCED
SEATTLE, WA – After this week’s announcement of the 2009 Sasquatch Music Festival, cyber cafes across the country are reporting mysterious nighttime break-ins.