NEVER BEFORE TEACHINGS & ELECTRIFYING PROPHECIES JERUSALEM — In the mountains outside the city, archaeologists found fragments of a 2,000-year-old letter written by Jesus. Jesus Christ Himself penned the missive, as confirmed by fourteen religious experts. A construction worker brought the tattered, crumbling scroll to authorities after his crew dug it up. An ancient wooden … READ MORE
CRITICS AGREE: “WTF?” For those of you who haven’t noticed, there are a lot of surreal movements lurking under the surface of The American Dream. One of them is the Incel brigade, a group of youngish men who describe themselves as “involuntary celibate.” They believe that they can’t succeed with women because, secretly, women control … READ MORE
Real rocks were involved—they were cavemen! Who invented rock and roll? Was it Chuck Berry? Ike Turner? Roy Brown? You’ll have to go back much further than that. Scientists digging in the north of Spain have retrieved genomic segments of four young adult cavemen who are, as it turns out, more than 8,000 years old. … READ MORE
PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, has championed the animals of the world. They pursue laws to have pets and livestock treated humanely. Over time, PETA has demanded more and more rights for their furry, feathered and scaled friends. In the last week, they’ve expanded their goals. Here are the latest demands: … READ MORE
“IT WOULD’VE BEEN TOO CRUEL,” SAYS HEAD ROBOT, “LIKE DROP-KICKING A KITTEN.” In June of 2019, the small, sluggish burg of Constant Falls, the government designated Georgia “Ground Zero” in the Grand War of the Robot Overlords Against the American Smarty-Pantses. The robots, all members of the A.I.A.I.O. Allegiance, galaxies away, abruptly called off their … READ MORE
GIANT COMET HITS THE GIANT PLANET! HOUSTON — Stunned scientists say they now have absolute proof that life exists on Jupiter. They’re receiving distress signals radioed from the devastated planet! Off the record, NASA higher-ups are theorizing that the signals were prompted by the recent battering of Jupiter by comet fragments. “Theses signals can only … READ MORE
Is he in your world or are you in his? The world around you is filled with art. There are paintings in museums, songs coming out of headphones, movies on TV, books in bookstores. But what about the things that don’t look like art? Some of them are art, too. Just ask the Silent Rider. … READ MORE
New “woke” NFL rules are now taking effect! He’s 12’ 8” tall and weighs over 850lbs. Yes the NY Giants finally signed Justin Bunyon, who is a genuine giant. His grandfather Paul was gushing, “Finally they are giving real Giants a chance to play!” The NY Giants are the first to comply with the new … READ MORE
A comet, a meteor — or a sign of the Second Coming? JERUSALEM — Astronomers are trying to explain a bright new star that has appeared in the skies over Bethlehem — a star some experts say heralds the Second Coming of Christ! Scientists have been tracing the mysterious heavenly body, dubbed Beth-2, since mid-July … READ MORE
GET THE LIFE YOU DREAMED OF! You can attract love, money, and luck, banish evil from your life and even deflect an enemy’s evil ey, with five great print-and-save spells from America’s Witch — Wiccan high priestess Issa Morgaine All you have to do is print them out, cut them up, and put them in … READ MORE