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PETA PETITIONS US GOVERNMENT FOR EXPANDED ANIMAL RIGHTS

PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, has championed the animals of the world. They pursue laws to have pets and livestock treated humanely.  Over time, PETA has demanded more and more rights for their furry, feathered and scaled friends.

In the last week, they’ve expanded their goals. Here are the latest demands:

They want to give pets the right to vote!  

PETA believes EVERY US Citizen, whether human or otherwise, should have the right to vote. They are pushing to make voting stations animal friendly requiring them to install cat scratching posts, litter boxes, and more for “fur babies.”

Driver’s licenses!  

PETA figures if you have to buy a dog license, they should be allowed to drive. PETA is appealing to Service Dog owners. They want them to get their dogs trained to drive because one day this could save their life!

Sign Language Interpreters!  

They want more gorillas trained in sign language so that they can work as interpreters on television, in schools, etc.

Work!  

They need to pay animals for their labor.  No more freebies!  Also, if an animal is killed for food consumption, that animal’s family MUST be paid proper compensation, no exceptions. Amish must ensure that their horses are paid a proper living wage.  Magicians WILL pay their rabbits!

The right to BEAR arms!  

Their argument is that the word bear is right there! Bad spelling aside, they feel that animals should have the right to own firearms, if for no other reason than to give them a fair chance during hunting season. Gun manufacturers have to design new firearms that are paw-friendly.

Animals in schools!  

Parents have long argued that the appearance of wild animals in schools would be distracting to their ‘human’ students. PETA says that maybe at first but after a while, the children and animals would become commonplace and not a distraction at all. In fact, historical studies have shown that humans learned a lot of valuable things running from wild animals in nature.

Zoos to become low rent housing for animals?  

Yep, according to PETA, zoos are inhumane, so no more zoos. Instead, the animals would decide if they want to stay there, no more cages. They would be charged a monomial for room and board until they got back on their paws.

Nail salons would have to accept animal claws!  

No more animal prejudice, you might go in for a manicure and be sitting next to a wolverine getting its claws painted. It could happen!
Animals deserve to be paid for nature documentaries! 

That’s right Hollywood, it’s time to pay up!

Scenes that show animals having sex should be considered porn. That’s a big no-no!

No more pesticides!  

Exterminators would not go out of business, however. They would need to hire aardvarks or other such animals to rid your home of ants or other intrusive visitors such as door-to-door missionaries.

Animal Planet MUST pay animal talent!  

Again, no more freebies, not even for you Animal Planet. Plus, they would have to ask the animals for permission before recording their likenesses for their exploitive ‘television programs.’

That’s scratching the surface for the systematic change PETA is looking for. We attempted to reach out to several animals about this situation but no of them were willing to respond. I personally sat here and attempted to interview my own cat about this for over an hour.  All I could get out of him was an occasional ‘meow.’  

We suspect that PETA’s lawyers told them not to speak with us here at the Weekly World News.  This forced our hand into seeking out the head of PETA itself and Cat Fancy magazine subscriber, Ingrid Newkirk.

PETA HQ

We traveled to their headquarters in Virginia to get to the bottom of this. Surprisingly there were no cat toys in their offices, in fact, no signs of animals anywhere. We did find some old signs declaring their offices an official Pokémon sanctuary.  Could they be seeking to obtain rights for them as well?

Although we couldn’t gain access to Ms. Newkirk, we did manage to speak to a receptionist who seemed very knowledgeable. Her name was Miss Aviary.

We asked about the PETA campaign to expand rights for animals, this is what she had to say.

I don’t know anything about that.”

She was a pretty tough nut to crack as most of her responses were about the same. After asking what she was possibly doing after work, we were escorted out of PETA’s offices. Perhaps she doesn’t realize that if these new laws are passed, she may lose her job to a monkey or a gorilla or possibly even her own house cat, ‘Purry.’

What do you think about this list of demands? What does your cat, dog, or fish think about them?  Make sure to make your voice heard today!

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