OHIO – 3,000 mysterious panties were found in a wooded area off a county road.
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GAY HORSES MURDERED
OHIO – Eight gay horses were killed yesterday. Authorities suspect arson in the barn burning.
EXECUTION DRUG DEPLETED: U.S. TURNS TO STONING
WASHINGTON – With supplies of execution drugs disappearing, the U.S. has turned to more primitive methods of execution.
GROUNDHOG EXECUTED
Punxsutawney Phil’s forecast for an early spring was as an epic failure. So, he was executed this morning.
BURLINGTON COAT FACTORY RIOT
COLUMBUS, OH – A riot broke out at a clothing store when a woman lied about paying for everyone’s items!
CHETANIA DAVIS
AKRON, OH – An exotic dancer in Ohio pleaded guilty to stabbing a fellow dancer with her stiletto heel!
WOMAN IMPLANTED WITH WRONG EMBRYO
SYLVANIA, OH – An Ohio woman was accidentally implanted with another couple’s embryo, and will have to give up the baby.
WOMAN BEATS FAWN TO DEATH
CLEVELAND, OH – A 75-year-old woman has admitted to killing a 25-pound fawn with a shovel because of the way it looked at her. Is there a deer uprising?
NEW CHEERLEADER SUSPECTED DOUBLE AGENT
CLEVELAND, OH – Teammates are becoming suspicious that recently acquired cheerleader Stephanie Peters is in fact an undercover operative from a rival high school.