Year: 2020

ARE hollywood crotch candles catching fire?

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This month, actress/entrepreneur Gwyneth Paltrow sold out of a new candle called “This Smells Like My Vagina.” According to Paltrow’s Goop site, “This candle started as a joke between perfumer Douglas Little and GP (Gwyneth Paltrow). The two were working on a fragrance, and she blurted out, ‘Uhhh…this smells like a vagina’—but evolved into a … READ MORE

BIGFOOT HOOKER TELLS ALL

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WASHINGTON, DC – The latest Washington sex scandal makes the Presidential Impeachment trial look like an innocent game of spin the bottle.  At least 46 top politicians – including Sen. Bob Menendez, Sen Lindsay Grahan, and Congresswoman Lucy Williams – have reportedly had flings with the world’s first Bigfoot hooker! And shockingly, the sexy Sasquatch, … READ MORE

THE LESTER CAINE REPORT

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GLUTEN KILLED THE DINOSAURS

Award-Winning Weekly World News reporter, Lester Caine, takes to the streets to get reactions to the breaking story that gluten was responsible for the demise of the dinosaurs.

Weekly World News is proud to have Lester, one of the world’s top investigative reporters, on our team. Recently, he won the Potenza Prize for Journalism and is on everybody’s shortlist for The Pulitzer Prize. Lester Caine is the only reporter you can trust if you want to know the real truth of a story.

Here’s his report.

SEVEN-YEAR-OLD DECLARES HIMSELF “ABOVE” SCHOOL LAW

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BURLAP, NJ – Ronald Bunk, a 7-year-old transfer student to Our Lady of Angst School is fighting the charges of bullying by declaring himself “above” any and all school rules. “It’s a witch hunt,” he stated, surrounded by angry Dominican nuns. “They’ve had it in for me since I transferred here. Everybody knows it. I’ve … READ MORE

FAA ALLOWS SPONTANEOUS HUMAN COMBUSTION

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GWYNETH PALTROW SUPPORTS DECISION! DENVER, CO – The FAA shocked travelers worldwide this morning when announcing new guidelines that allow Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) on all domestic and international flights. While the FAA’s new guidelines do discourage SHC, they fall short of prohibiting the practice.  Daniel Elwell, Deputy Administrator for the FAA told reporters this … READ MORE

EVERY SNOWFLAKE NOW A DRONE!

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WHEN YOU’RE WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND, BE CAREFUL: YOU’RE BEING WATCHED. As part of a secret defense program started late in the last decade, every snowflake that falls from the sky is now a tiny drone. The program, known as CAST-MASS (Crystalline Solid Transparent Monitoring And Surveillance System), was launched over the holidays.   … READ MORE

THE JERSEY DEVIL REAPPEARS!

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HE ORDERS TAKE-OUT, STIFFS DELIVERY BOY New Jersey’s legendary large, beaked and winged Jersey Devil made an appearance after four decades of solitude, ordering fifty pounds of Chinese food from a local Food To Go outfit and refusing to pay the driver. “I couldn’t believe it,” said delivery driver Tim Lubbock. “I drove into the … READ MORE

PSYCHIC BATTING A THOUSAND!

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HER 2020 PREDICTIONS ALREADY CAME TRUE! Before last week, Madame Florence, a psychic from rural Vermont, had an average record when it came to her annual list of Twenty Predictions. “I did about as well as anyone,” she said. What that meant, for the last decade, was that roughly one-fifth of the things she prophesied … READ MORE

IMPEACHMENT TOYS – Hot SELLERS

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“It could be bigger than this past Christmas season!” enthused entrepreneur Wink DePalma, president and founder of Traumatoyzed Inc., speaking of his upcoming line of Impeachment Toys. “Let’s face it, the impeachment trial will be a lot funnier than the hearings, with all these stone-faced old white Senate guys trying hard not to laugh, cry … READ MORE

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