FAA ALLOWS SPONTANEOUS HUMAN COMBUSTION

GWYNETH PALTROW SUPPORTS DECISION!

DENVER, CO – The FAA shocked travelers worldwide this morning when announcing new guidelines that allow Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) on all domestic and international flights. While the FAA’s new guidelines do discourage SHC, they fall short of prohibiting the practice. 

Daniel Elwell, Deputy Administrator for the FAA told reporters this afternoon, “We must remember that the right to Spontaneously Combust is guaranteed by the Constitution. We, however, remain dedicated to the safety of air travelers and to their freedom of expression.”

GROWING IN POPULARITY

Spontaneous Human Combustion has been on the rise over the last few years.  Oscar-winning actress, Gwyneth Paltrow (and her company Goop) supports the practice of SHC. The practice of self-immolation has become especially popular with the “Tide Pods are delicious“ crowd. And Dr. Sanjay Gupta touts SHC as, ”A perfectly reasonable reaction to the state of the world today.“

Occurrences are becoming so prevalent that organizers of music festivals, including Coachella and Riot Fest, have begun setting aside special areas for audience members who may wish to spontaneously combust.

But recent SHC mishaps have raised public concern about the overall safety of SHC.  In states where SHC is legal in public, there has been a notable increase in accidental immolation mishaps. And an epidemic of schoolyard immolations stunned the United States over the last decade. In 2015 United Air Flight 218 blew up over the North Sea. Rolf Lendgren, a Finnish financier spontaneously combusted mid-flight, causing the explosion.  All 364 passengers and the crew remain “unaccounted for.” 

SOME FAMOUS SHC CRASHES

China Express Flight 6654  met a similar fate over Taiwan in 2017 with 532 lives lost.  The culprit, a young child throwing a tantrum.  Last year’s devastating air tragedy in Holland took the lives of several diplomats from the United Nations as well as a few members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. The cause of the crash was determined to be Spontaneous Human Combustion. 

Since then, people around the globe are calling for stricter SHC legislation, or, at the very least, greater protection for passengers. 

But human rights organizations here and abroad are celebrating today’s announcement.

Amnesty International calls Spontaneous Human Combustion an inalienable human right.  Their infamous spokesperson, Sting, is bolstering public support for the FAA’s decision.

Next month, a victory rally is to be held at Denver International Airport. There will be musical performances from Tim Timebomb, Arcade Fire, Love and Rockets, and Ted Nugent. The “Go Blow Yourself” event is sure to be a night to remember unless you’re there to SHC.

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