ARE hollywood crotch candles catching fire?

This month, actress/entrepreneur Gwyneth Paltrow sold out of a new candle called “This Smells Like My Vagina.” According to Paltrow’s Goop site, “This candle started as a joke between perfumer Douglas Little and GP (Gwyneth Paltrow). The two were working on a fragrance, and she blurted out, ‘Uhhh…this smells like a vagina’—but evolved into a funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent. (That turned out to be perfect as a candle—we did a test run at an In goop Health, and it sold out within hours.)

“It’s a blend of geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed that puts us in mind of fantasy, seduction, and a sophisticated warmth.”

While Paltrow’s fans have devoured the candles, some experts are dubious about the net effect. Sexologist Professor Hans N. Fingerz said that a vagina-scented candle could make heterosexual encounters…confusing.

“This could really mess with men’s minds,” he said, puffing on a slab of wood bark. “Let’s say you’re an impressionable young fellow who gets himself an invite over to his girlfriend’s place. You’re thrilled. You meet her, have a drink, get comfortable and, then, she lights up a candle.

“He’s going to be confused, aromatically” said Fingerz. “It’s like: ‘Are you trying to seduce me or did you make tuna casserole this afternoon?’

“I can only imagine how the rest of the evening would go. I can’t see it recovering. Paramedics could wind up being involved.”

Fingerz admits he hasn’t smelled the candle, as yet, and probably never will. “Why would I spend $75 for a candle when I could just buy a pound of herring for $7.95 and burn some incense around it?”

WILL THE CANDLE TREND BE HOT?

WWN reached out to legendary Hollywood gossip columnist Zasu JeJune to quiz her about the would-be fad.

“Let’s just say that there are rumors all over town about a host of new candles offering women a male fragrance,” she said, with a sly smile.

“Reportedly,” she continued, “a long time Quentin Tarantino crew-member had an odd hobby; collecting all the underwear and jockstraps used by the male stars featured in Quentin’s films and keeping them in Zip-lock bags. The word on the street is: he’s reached out to the director about partnering for a new line of candles. If this is true, the possibilities are limitless.”

JeJune blushed, “I think that would be the motherload. Can you imagine going into a boutique and encountering candles labeled ‘Brad Pitt’s Package,’ ‘Samuel L. Jackson’s Junk,’ Christoph Waltz’ Wad’ and “Leonardo DiCaprio’s Dickage?’ I can see women, no matter what their age or marital status, snatching these candles off the shelves so fast that they’d light themselves.”

And JeJune can see even more products in the offing. “And image the audience, both male and female, for the scent of ‘ass?’ ‘Kurt Russell’s Rear,’ ‘Harvey Keitel’s Keister,’ ‘Bruce Dern’s Derriere’ and ‘Steve Buscemi’s Butt?’”

Her eyes were almost moist, now. “’Ass’ could be the new lavender.”

A WAVE OF CINEMATIC SCENTS

As for Paltrow’s “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle, JeJune wishes her all the best. “I hope this starts a trend. The world has been lacking Hollywood Body Parts Candles for over a century. Should her candle start a real wave of cinematic scents, she’s going to have to rely on every orifice in her body to keep abreast.”

“Plus,” she added, “I can see related businesses booming, as well. Products like…air freshener, rotary fans and therapy sessions. Once again, we have to thank Hollywood for thinking out of the box.”

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