“It could be bigger than this past Christmas season!” enthused entrepreneur Wink DePalma, president and founder of Traumatoyzed Inc., speaking of his upcoming line of Impeachment Toys.
“Let’s face it, the impeachment trial will be a lot funnier than the hearings, with all these stone-faced old white Senate guys trying hard not to laugh, cry or hide under their desks. They don’t have the musculature to wiggle in their seats and leap up and down like monkeys like House members did. All we’re doing is exploiting the weirdness of it all, allowing people who watch it to giggle instead of gnawing on their parakeets’ heads.”
THE IMPEACHMENT TOY LINE
First off the line will be Rudy’s “Hack-In-The-Box.”
“It’s like the classic toy but demented,” he explained. Purchasers crank the handle on the box and hear the traditional “Pop Goes the Weasel” tune, after which Rudy Giuliani pops up. “What’s cool about this,” DePalma said, “is that Rudy has four different phrases he exclaims, ‘The truth isn’t truth,’ ‘Are you done with that Bloody Mary?’ ‘‘I’m more of a Jew than Soros,’ and, my personal favorite, ‘I know how not to commit crimes.’”
Eyes sparkling with excitement, DePalma continued, “And for an extra $25, you get the deluxe version with all the phrases translated into Ukrainian. Plus, you get rolling eyes, wildly gesticulating arms, a tube of fake spittle and three choices of teeth: big, tilted and Palamino. It’s wild!”
Also in the works: a Devin Nunes “Whack-A-Mole” game, a Moscow Mitch variation of the Mr. Bubbles turtle toy that not only blows bubbles but spouts nonsense and, for outdoor summer fun, Dunk ‘a’ Trump.
“I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier,” beamed Wink. “Well, yes I do. But the charges were, eventually, dropped after all my accusers had unfortunate accidents.”