HOLLYWOOD – Perez Hilton, 2.0 – the softer, kinder version – has opened a stuffed animal zoo.

WASHINGTON, DC – Congress has begun a full scale federal inquiry into the Carrie Prejean sex tape.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Rumors are circulating that Carrie Prejean made a sex tape. Prejean claims it wasn’t her, but a clone created to discredit her!

LOS ANGELES, CA – Shanna Moakler has resigned as the executive director of the Miss California USA pageant. Instead, she will start her own Miss Nerd USA competition.

LOS ANGELES, CA – Risque photos of Miss USA runner-up and “opposite marriage” defender Carrie Prejean have surfaced on the Internet, but Ms. Prejean is defending her Christian honor.

I’m madder than a drag queen who’s run out of duct tape! Poor Miss California deserved to win that beauty contest.