Time-Travel Mishap Can’t Derail Campaign! Bat Boy, whose 2020 candidacy picked up momentum last week with a surprise victory in the Iowa caucuses, had high hopes heading into this week’s New Hampshire primary. “We felt confident that Bat Boy’s brand of uptempo populism would capture the imagination of the electorate,” said Ph.D. Ape, campaign manager. … READ MORE
TOKYO – Fishermen on their annual dolphin hunt captured a dolphin that had human arms! Japanese broadcaster TBX said the first hunt of the season took place in the town of Taiji on Tuesday. Local citizens celebrate the dolphin hunt, which is an annual tradition. The fishermen are from a Japanese town that was once … READ MORE
Dubbed “Vinnie, the Barbarian” by locals, “he’s actually great at ‘knock-knock’ jokes” says his guardian. Security guard Marco Cippolino remembers the first time he met “Vinnie, the Barbarian.” “I was working my regular night shift at National Science Storage. It’s a big place in Jersey, sort of an island of failed experiments. You should see … READ MORE
The syndicated series “America’s Dumbest News” has abruptly shut down. Billionaire backer Howard W. Huggs III made the announcement today. “First of all, forgive my long fingernails. I don’t like hairbrushes,” he began. “And I’m sorry about the soiled diaper. I overslept, this morning. “Today, I’m announcing the cessation of ‘America’s Dumbest News.’ As many … READ MORE
In hiding due to mix-up in his memos In an awkward start to the year, Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei has gone into hiding, having accidentally declared a $2 million dollar bounty on his own head. “We tried to tell him he was making a mistake,” a senior figure in the Revolutionary Guard told Weekly … READ MORE
As a RIC (Registered Investment Chimp), it’s my duty to protect customers from market mania, and when a stock does what Tesla is doing – with NO fundamental change in their outlook – we have entered totally bananas territory. My phone’s ringing off the hook about Tesla. I’ve been so busy speaking with Jane Goodall’s … READ MORE
Monday’s Iowa caucuses were expected to crown the first winners in the Democratic primary process. But instead fell apart amid a hail of high-tech glitches and organizational mishaps. “There was no real winner,” said Nicholas Erdman, a political analyst for True News News. “Which meant that everyone is potentially a winner.” That was true for … READ MORE
HE CLAIMS HIS REPUTATION IS NOT BAD ENOUGH “I’m tired of not getting credit for evil,” the Prince of Darkness declares. The publicity firm of Udall, DiBla and Howe, a newly formed company conveniently located next to a parking garage in Burbank, California, has just landed one of the most sought after clients in entertainment … READ MORE
Super Bowl LIV, which found the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49’ers battling for National Football League supremacy, turned out to be an exciting contest, with a tight first half; a second half in which the 49’ers looked as though they might use their running game and the efficient play of quarterback Jimmy … READ MORE
Last night, two nightball superstars met for the first time in over a year as Adam Daimler (of the Lutherville Bulls) and Yancey Fellows (of the Columbia Arrows) found themselves on opposite sides of the gulch, at least for half the match. At midpoint, Daimler invoked a power play to compel Fellows over to his side, and … READ MORE