Time-Travel Mishap Can’t Derail Campaign!
Bat Boy, whose 2020 candidacy picked up momentum last week with a surprise victory in the Iowa caucuses, had high hopes heading into this week’s New Hampshire primary.
“We felt confident that Bat Boy’s brand of uptempo populism would capture the imagination of the electorate,” said Ph.D. Ape, campaign manager.
Bat Boy planned to fly to the state himself to campaign. “He was going to go literally by himself,” said Ph.D. Ape. “I mean, he can fly.” But the surprisingly strong Iowa performance shifted plans, and Bat Boy and his running mate Bigfoot were scheduled to arrive by plane in Manchester, New Hampshire late last week.
That’s when it all went wrong.
“The pilot was funny,” said Ph.D. Ape. “Not funny like a comedian, but funny like a salad that’s been sitting out overnight. He told us to call him Big Steve, more than three or four times. It seemed like he wasn’t paying attention to the flight.”
During the flight, both Ph.D. Ape and Bigfoot noticed odd turbulence and the plane began to rock back and forth. “The pilot announced that we needed to make an emergency landing for repairs.”
When the plane touched down and the candidate and his staff deplaned, something was amiss. “I saw a man with a spear and a helmet run by, yelling something about royalists,” said Ph.D. Ape. “He turned and looked at me for a second, called me a ‘winged ape devil,’ and kept running.”
“It didn’t look like New Hampshire,” Bat Boy said through a translator. “There were castles and meadows. The people were different, too. They were fighting, which was familiar, but about half of them had closely cropped hair and the others had long shaggy hair.”
“I liked the shaggy ones,” said Bigfoot.
It turned out that Big Steve had somehow piloted the plane back to November 1643, to the Siege of Basing House during the English Civil War—a battle that took place near Basingstoke. “We were aiming for New Hampshire but ended up in Old Hampshire,” said Ph.D. Ape.
The plane was noticed immediately. The belligerents, one by one, ceased fighting to consider the strange visitors from the future. “Gradually we began to speak more civilly to one another,” said Ph.D. Ape. I warned Sir William Waller to be vigilant about the possibility of mutinous feelings among his men, and I sent a word out to Lord Hopton as well.”
“Not me,” said Bat Boy, through a translator, “I just flew around and looked at the castle. Castles are cool.”
“I was given unguents by the men with long hair,” Bigfoot said, “and they made my coat sleek.”
The soldiers spent an hour with their visitors from the future, showing them around the grounds, after which Big Steve announced that the plane was repaired. “We went straight back to New Hampshire,” Bigfoot said. But it was with a heavy heart. “We knew we had missed the debate and the last few days of the campaign. We had basically written off the primary.”
BANNERS AND CONFETTI
But they returned to banners and confetti. “We won!” said Bat Boy. “Well, we came in a close second, close enough that it was more or less a victory. Can you believe it? It was like a gift from above.”
“I never would’ve thought it was possible when we were talking to those soldiers,” said Bigfoot. “I was counting up what we were missing, and I would have thought that we were as finished as that bird’s nest he stepped on.”
“That’s it,” said Ph.D. Ape. “When even one small event is altered, history can be fully changed. It’s the Butterfly Effect.”
“Butterfly?” Bigfoot said. “I said bird.”
Big Steve, caressing the side of the plane, wandered over. “You know,” he said. “Why couldn’t we have just come back to a point a few days earlier, and still had time for campaigning and the debate?”
The campaign now moves on to Nevada and South Carolina.