AFTER MASSIVE HEART ATTACK, HE’S SWITCHING TO BLOODY MARYS Count Dracula has been sucking blood for hundreds of years but had a big scare last month. He was immediately admitted for an emergency quadruple bypass surgery. “When he came in it was very ‘touch-and-go’. We immediately set up a blood-infused IV and turned off all … READ MORE
St. Peter, who is also known as the first Pope, was distracted as he was watching the latest St. Peter’s University NCAA basketball game. His job of course is to guard the Pearly Gates. “While he was on his phone watching the game, I saw evil cult leader Charles Manson walk right into heaven,” said … READ MORE
He looks 500 years younger! Old Saint Nick was working out all summer long! Now he looks like a fitness model. It turns out he had an extra Peloton bike laying around from last year’s Christmas inventory. So he whimsically started riding it last January. “He hopped on one day while he was binge-watching Bridgerton. … READ MORE
HE CLAIMS HE WILL SAVE CHRISTMAS! He’s leaving his new hit show GUTFELD! in the next two weeks, so he can make toys for Christmas! For years there have been rumors that the late-night comedian/pundit was part Elf, but now a new WWN report proves that he is! Supply Chain Crisis “Yes it’s true, … READ MORE
New “woke” NFL rules are now taking effect! He’s 12’ 8” tall and weighs over 850lbs. Yes the NY Giants finally signed Justin Bunyon, who is a genuine giant. His grandfather Paul was gushing, “Finally they are giving real Giants a chance to play!” The NY Giants are the first to comply with the new … READ MORE
And his mother was a Muse World-famous cartoonist and satirist Scott Adams recently returned from a long trip in Santorini, Greece where he was seen levitating and laughing at almost all of their nightly Greek God parties. “His fans think he’s some kind of comic genius. He’s not!” Replied one of the partygoers. “Here in Greece we’ve had the Dilbert … READ MORE
Yes, all rumors have been confirmed! Weekly World News has the exclusive! The NY Mets star pitcher Jacob deGrom is an alien. “He throws 120 MPH in the bullpen, he tones it down during the game to hide the fact that he’s from another planet.”, said Dave Racaniello, the Mets long-time bullpen catcher. “Look, I’ve … READ MORE
16-year-old Sidd Finch Jr., the son of the former NY Mets prospect, is the real thing. He’s been spotted working out with rehabbing Mets star pitcher Noah Syndergaard in Port St. Lucie, Florida. “He’s a beast! He’s only 16 and he’s still learning how to pitch. Everyone here is afraid to catch him!” Said Syndergaard … READ MORE
He’s lost 100’s of Billions trading Bitcoin and Gamestop He may be infallible when it comes to religious doctrine, but Pope Francis has recently been taking on huge day-trading losses. “He’s horrible at trading the markets. When he buys something it goes down, and when he sells short, the markets soar,” complained Cardinal Mario DiSoldi, … READ MORE
He’s No Longer “the BEST Golfer Ever“ He had 11 Holes-in-One In His First Round and Still Lost! Three weeks ago, Ginnie-Su Kim, North Korea’s only female professional golfer witnessed Kim Jong-un’s remarkable first round of golf. He scored an unbelievable 11 Aces! Some of the best golfers in the world play for decades and … READ MORE