AFTER MASSIVE HEART ATTACK, HE’S SWITCHING TO BLOODY MARYS
Count Dracula has been sucking blood for hundreds of years but had a big scare last month. He was immediately admitted for an emergency quadruple bypass surgery. “When he came in it was very ‘touch-and-go’. We immediately set up a blood-infused IV and turned off all the lights,” said Dr. Andrei Romanescu, Chief Surgeon of the University of Transylvania Medical Center. “He was in good spirits and was joking with the female nurses – making comments about their necklines”
Told To Avoid Steaks or Stakes?
Weekly World News reached out to his personal cardiologist, Dr. Alexandra Albu who ironically may be to blame for his advanced heart disease.
There seems to be some misunderstanding about her advice on how a vampire should stay alive and well. “I have been telling him for years to avoid eating steaks. Each time he would roll his eyes, laugh, and say, ‘yeah I know, everyone knows that.” Of course, it’s common knowledge that a wooden ‘stake’ through the heart can prove fatal for vampires.
Dracula said “I became very friendly with my cardiologist. She’s a bright, young millennial doctor and we would often text back and forth. But these young kids don’t give a damn about spelling or punctuation anymore. I can prove that she repeatedly texted me ‘stay away from stakes!’ . . . Duh!”
So for years Dracula, who has become a bit of a celebrity since the dawn of cinema, has been wined and dined at the most famous restaurants all over the world. He has often been seen eating with his good friend and famous restauranteur Wolfgang Puck. Just last year TMZ showed a large dinner party with Dracula eating and drinking at a famous New York steakhouse. He was there with Warren Buffet, Boris Johnson, Kanye West, Joe Rogan, and Justin Frankenstein (the popular blogger and great-grandson of Dr. Frankenstein).
Turning Over A New Leaf?
So Dracula swears that he is done with eating steaks and sucking the blood of humans. “This heart attack was a major wakeup call. From now on I will be eating kale and drinking beet juice. If I get serious about going vegan I can add hundreds of years to my life.”