He’s lost 100’s of Billions trading Bitcoin and Gamestop
He may be infallible when it comes to religious doctrine, but Pope Francis has recently been taking on huge day-trading losses.
“He’s horrible at trading the markets. When he buys something it goes down, and when he sells short, the markets soar,” complained Cardinal Mario DiSoldi, the Vatican City Treasury Secretary. “He’s becoming unhinged!”
The College of Cardinals thought The Pontiff had been retiring to his papal bed in the afternoons for some rest. Even though it was odd for him to do so, they let him be (after all he is the Pope). But instead of taking a Pope Nap, or praying the rosary, he has been day trading. Apparently, the Pope is trying to outsmart the global hedge funds. Some say he was inspired by Dave Portnoy of Barstool Sports.
During the pandemic lockdown Pope Francis reportedly got bored and opened up a small trading account. That’s when all the trouble began.
One evening a group of Bishops went to surprise the Pope with some sambuca and cappuccino. But when they entered his chambers they found a dozen 70″ flatscreen monitors flashing numbers everywhere. Pope Francis was chain-smoking and shouting in some unknown Venezuelan dialect.
Later they realized what he was saying – “The hedge funds are all evil! And good always conquers evil. Now leave me the hell alone!”
Unfortunately, even though he prayed for his portfolio, his losses kept mounting.
AN INTERVENTION WAS NECESSARY
The Vatican Treasury Secretary received a suspicious call from a large Swiss bank claiming that the Pope owed them 398.6 Billion Euros. It is rumored that the Pope wanted to use Michelangelo’s painting on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel as collateral. Steffen Nestle, VP of Finance at UBS, is worried that the Pope’s day-trading losses are getting way too large. “It’s one of the world’s greatest masterpieces. It is priceless. Obviously, enough is enough. Someone has to do something!”
The Pope’s personal secretary, “Gorgeous” Georg Gänswein, finally called for an intervention. They paid off the loan quietly and are trying to bury the story. But Weekly World News got the scoop. And we learned that the Pope had done the same thing last year as well!
HISTORICAL VISIT TO IRAQ?
Last month Pope Francis made the first-ever papal visit to Iraq. Most people think this was a noble trip to bring peace to the Middle East. But some insiders think he was only interested in meeting some rich oil Sheiks for yet another loan. Apparently, he lost big on GameStop.
If you have any stock tips – don’t tell the Pope!