BAT BOY REGISTERS TO VOTE IN 48 STATES

AUSTIN, TX – On the campus of The University of Texas yesterday afternoon, Bat Boy registered to vote in the Lone Star State.
This marked the forty-eighth state in which the half-bat, half-boy national icon successfully registered to help the nation decide the next US President.

BAILOUT BOY

UPDATE: At a pivotal moment in the nation’s history, America’s newest Deputy Treasury Secretary, Bat Boy, was nowhere to be found. This revelation sent shockwaves through the market and Washington D.C. on Monday.
Where was Bat Boy? He had scurried off to see his favorite band, Vampire Weekend, play a secret show in Brooklyn on Saturday night. He watched and devoured mosquitoes while the nation burned.

Bend It Like Bat Boy

Since David Beckham’s move to America a few years ago, his behavior has dramatically changed. Beckham shaved his head, mostly coming out at night, and rumor has it, using mosquitoes as a protein supplement!
Bat Boy has no shame in having his influence known! What does he want from all of these celebrities?

Bat Ball Boy

It looks like Bat Boy has moved on from James Blake to another famous tennis player: Andre Agassi.
Although Agassi retired in 2006, he continues to play charity tournaments. It has been long whispered that Agassi is often found immediately after the game, catching mosquitoes in the parking lot with a dark, pointy-eared figure.
What could Bat Boy possibly have to gain from a retired athlete? The plot thickens…

Bat Boy Incident

Bat Boy has now struck at one of Hollywood’s most recognizable leading ladies, Sharon Stone!
In 2005, Stone helped raise funds for mosquito nets in Tanzania. Was Bat Boy offended? His love of mosquitoes is well known.
Word has gotten around that Stone is distancing herself from the net incident and refusing to participate in any future pledge drives.
A photographer has boasted he has a shot of Stone in a nightgown and no shoes feasting on mosquitoes in a field, but he has yet to sell it.

Bat Boy's Vampire Weekend

Bat Boy was spotted last night in Louisville, Kentucky, taking in a Vampire Weekend performance!
Concertgoers are reporting that he slipped past security using a disguise, consisting of skinny jeans and an “Ithaca is Gorges” t-shirt.
Bat Boy squeaked and squealed along to Vampire Weekend’s Upper West Side Soweto beats. After the show, he snuck backstage and showed his appreciation to the band by bringing them mosquitoes to devour.

BLAKE ANGUISH AT OPEN

James Blake and US hopes have crashed at the US Open.
Blake lost a close match despite being powered by a strong serve, superior forehand and the protein nourishment that his nightly diet of thousands of mosquitoes provides.