WINDS UP WITH 57-YEAR-OLD MAN! Oliver Hasper had gone through a very bad year. His wife left him and took the children. Broken (and broke) after the divorce, he decided to buy a dog as a companion. Not having a pet store or a dog shelter within 100 miles of his small spread in Earworm, … READ MORE
According to the Washington Post: “The U.S. Department of Agriculture has taken another whack at former first lady Michelle Obama’s Healthy School lunch push. She had established stricter nutritional standards for school breakfasts and lunches. “On Friday, USDA Deputy Under Secretary Brandon Lipps proposed new rules for the Food and Nutrition Service that would allow … READ MORE
This month, actress/entrepreneur Gwyneth Paltrow sold out of a new candle called “This Smells Like My Vagina.” According to Paltrow’s Goop site, “This candle started as a joke between perfumer Douglas Little and GP (Gwyneth Paltrow). The two were working on a fragrance, and she blurted out, ‘Uhhh…this smells like a vagina’—but evolved into a … READ MORE
BURLAP, NJ – Ronald Bunk, a 7-year-old transfer student to Our Lady of Angst School is fighting the charges of bullying by declaring himself “above” any and all school rules. “It’s a witch hunt,” he stated, surrounded by angry Dominican nuns. “They’ve had it in for me since I transferred here. Everybody knows it. I’ve … READ MORE
HE ORDERS TAKE-OUT, STIFFS DELIVERY BOY New Jersey’s legendary large, beaked and winged Jersey Devil made an appearance after four decades of solitude, ordering fifty pounds of Chinese food from a local Food To Go outfit and refusing to pay the driver. “I couldn’t believe it,” said delivery driver Tim Lubbock. “I drove into the … READ MORE
“It could be bigger than this past Christmas season!” enthused entrepreneur Wink DePalma, president and founder of Traumatoyzed Inc., speaking of his upcoming line of Impeachment Toys. “Let’s face it, the impeachment trial will be a lot funnier than the hearings, with all these stone-faced old white Senate guys trying hard not to laugh, cry … READ MORE
The LEGEND Director Martin Scorsese, currently winning accolades for the 50-year-de-aging process featured in his Nextflix film, “The Irishman,” has announced his next project: The Little Rascals. “What people forget about The Little Rascals is that their adventures took place during the Great Depression,” says Scorsese. “Surrounded by poverty, existential despair and old ladies being … READ MORE
“I thought it was gas,” recalls JoJo “Tiny” Metcalf. Mr. Metcalf, one of the most in-demand bouncers on the NYC club scene, adds “but once I heard the intonations, I knew it was God.” Metcalf apologizes for his apartment being in a state of disarray, “between the paramedics and the phone company, things got a … READ MORE
“We’ve finally wrested control of Christmas from the heathen hordes,” boasted long-time social protestor Timothy O’Blivious to this WWN correspondent. “Now, we’re taking on New Year’s.” O’Blivious has fought long and hard in the War on Christmas. “First, we managed to get the ‘X’ out of Christmas. Remember that crap? Merry Xmas.” To make his … READ MORE
IN EFFORT TO COMBAT FOREST FIRES American Politicians of both parties were astonished when the President used an executive order to create “Rake Force,” a massive 10,000 person outfit, culled from the current military, National Guard Reservists and former hotel maids, now incarcerated, to rake the nation’s forest. “This has nothing to do with Climate … READ MORE