According to the Washington Post: “The U.S. Department of Agriculture has taken another whack at former first lady Michelle Obama’s Healthy School lunch push. She had established stricter nutritional standards for school breakfasts and lunches.

“On Friday, USDA Deputy Under Secretary Brandon Lipps proposed new rules for the Food and Nutrition Service that would allow schools to cut the amount of vegetables and fruits required at lunch and breakfasts while giving them license to sell more pizza, burgers and fries to students. The agency is responsible for administering nutritional programs that feed nearly 30 million students at 99,000 schools.”

Super Twinkies served every Tuesday at School!

“What we’ve done for the past few years,” said a government spokesman, “is to stress that all kids need to eat healthy. That is just so wrong! That’s the last thing a kid needs. A kid needs a lot of sugar in his or her diet. A lot of white bread. Butter. French fries. Candy. Lard.”

Continued the spokesman, “Kids shouldn’t worry about eating healthy until they’re in their twenties or after their first heart-attack. By encouraging children to eat healthy we are attacking dozens upon dozens of related industries, from professional weight-loss programs to fat-shaming therapists. If kids are healthy, a huge sector of American business will just collapse, creating a new Recession. We need obesity to keep our economy humming.”

His advice. “If you see your kid about to eat an apple? Give him a Twinkie, instead. It’s the patriotic thing to do.”


When questioned about the lack of organic food in these new dietary guidelines, the spokesman said: “Look, kids eat their own boogers. They eat their own toe jam. They gnaw their nails. They eat their belly-button lint. If that isn’t organic, I don’t know what is.”

Responding to these new dietary rules a spokesperson for the Partnership for A Healthier America proffered: “This is batshit crazy! What the government is doing will lead to millions of school kids looking like Jabba the Hut!

Jabba the Hut. The new goal of many students.

“These kids aren’t going to be able to walk! They’ll be undulating along school halls and into classes like ‘The Blob.’ They’re going to have the skeletal system of Jell-O.”

Replied a government spokesman: “Your point is?”


Right now, the government is planning a new, standardized menu, which includes cupcakes and candy for breakfast, with soda. Greasy fried foods, with soda, for lunch. And, for their final snack of the day, chocolate bars and macaroni with cheese…with soda.

The Perfect School lunch!

“I can guarantee you,” said a government spokesman, “these kids will be a lot more wide-eyed during school hours, more amped-up. They’ll be more receptive to lessons taught, once you can stop them from running around the school screaming, gnawing on their appendages and lashing out at invisible monsters.”

And what about the children’s parents? How will they cope when their amped-up children return home?

“That’s the beauty of it all,” said the government spokesman, “We have a new school weaponry program that will allow parents to purchase Tasers and stun-guns for the cost of a box of Twinkies.”

Plus, once the children are stunned senseless? “Getting them to do homework will be a lot easier,” the spokesman concluded. “And they’ll eat their vegetables at dinner because they’ll have no friggin’ idea of what’s on their plate.”

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