If a grass-roots organization has its way, all political shows would be banned from TV. “They’re all annoying and depressing,” says W. Thorndike Greene, president of the “Keep Stupidity Off TV” organization, a collection of apolitical zealots from across the country and people with no lives. “There’s very limited factual content to political television shows, … READ MORE
“Our marriage has never been better,” says the widow. By most accounts, 45-year-old Chaz Krunk was not the pride of Enid, Oklahoma. Retiring early because of a disability, the ex-factory worker spent his time drinking gin, bellowing at people walking past his house, tearing down neighborhood fences in the wee hours of the morning and … READ MORE
“WHEN GRIZZ ENTERS THE COURTROOM? CASE OVER!” In his youth, lawyer Tony Balaski, Jr. worked for his father’s act, Balaski and His Bruins. The hit of the carnival and circus circuit, the act consisted of Tony Sr. getting his Brown bears, Boo-Boo and Smokey, to beep horns, box each other and ride unicycles. The big … READ MORE
“I can’t seem to compete, anymore,” killer sighs Lars Oldstire, better known as “The Merciless Chainsaw Killer,” has decided to hang up the saw. The hulking 56-year-old Oldstire, who’s been slicing and dicing victims since he was sixteen years old, says there’s no place for a dignified serial killer in today’s belligerent society. “It’s been … READ MORE
DIVORCE COURT IS STYMIED! World-renowned ventriloquist Dayton Feathers and his wisecracking dummy, Missie, seem to be heading for a split. And it’s making the Las Vegas Divorce Court somewhat unhinged. “Seriously,” said a court spokesman, “how does this even work? We’re talking about a sixty-year-old man and a piece of wood. Okay, I’ll admit Missie … READ MORE
Donald Trump, Jr. upset! “Little Bitey Things Were Everywhere!” The much-heralded “Africa In Texas” private hunt has been called off. The Moreau Ranch, a 30,000-acre spread near Houston, cited “an infestation of a foreign species” as the reason. The “safari” leaders, brothers Don and Ron Bratz, the twin sons of American slumlord king Ichabod (“Icky”) … READ MORE
Dubbed “Vinnie, the Barbarian” by locals, “he’s actually great at ‘knock-knock’ jokes” says his guardian. Security guard Marco Cippolino remembers the first time he met “Vinnie, the Barbarian.” “I was working my regular night shift at National Science Storage. It’s a big place in Jersey, sort of an island of failed experiments. You should see … READ MORE
The syndicated series “America’s Dumbest News” has abruptly shut down. Billionaire backer Howard W. Huggs III made the announcement today. “First of all, forgive my long fingernails. I don’t like hairbrushes,” he began. “And I’m sorry about the soiled diaper. I overslept, this morning. “Today, I’m announcing the cessation of ‘America’s Dumbest News.’ As many … READ MORE
HE CLAIMS HIS REPUTATION IS NOT BAD ENOUGH “I’m tired of not getting credit for evil,” the Prince of Darkness declares. The publicity firm of Udall, DiBla and Howe, a newly formed company conveniently located next to a parking garage in Burbank, California, has just landed one of the most sought after clients in entertainment … READ MORE
NEWLY FORMED USA BALLET COMPANY TO REVIVE THIS SCI-FI CLASSIC Moe Fangule, the President of the newly formed “USA Ballet Company, Inc.” has announced the company’s first project, a fully orchestrated, choreographed adaptation of the 1959 Ed Wood stinker film, “Plan 9 From Outer Space.” “It was a no-brainer,” explained Fangule. “It received ‘Worst Film … READ MORE