“We’ve finally wrested control of Christmas from the heathen hordes,” boasted long-time social protestor Timothy O’Blivious to this WWN correspondent. “Now, we’re taking on New Year’s.”
O’Blivious has fought long and hard in the War on Christmas. “First, we managed to get the ‘X’ out of Christmas. Remember that crap? Merry Xmas.”
To make his point, O’Blivious clutched his crotch. “Here’s your ‘X,’ right here, pagan bastards! Then, it was all these ‘Happy Holidays ‘slurs. I, personally, have several of those guys to the emergency ward less than ‘Happy.’
“Now,” he said, “They’re foisting this liberal, anarchist, commie stuff on us with ‘Happy New Year’s.’ Who the hell are these liberals telling me my new year is going to be ‘happy?’ My new year is going to be like all my years. Sucky. If you say ‘Happy New Year’ to me, I’m going to say, ‘Happy Concussion Year’ to you before I throw a haymaker.
“And they celebrate like they were living in Sodom and Gomorrah, dropping their balls in New York! Dancing and cavorting in the streets. I’ve heard they sacrifice goats in the boroughs!
“I’LL LIVE IN WHATEVER YEAR I WANT TO LIVE IN!”
“Who are they to tell me what year it is? I can say it’s any year I want, any year I name. It’s my right! If I want to? I can say I’m living in 1956. Or 1921. Or 1066!!!”
When he was told that 1066 was known for the Battle of Hastings, he replied. “Biggest battle of the Civil War!
“Who the hell came up with this crap, George Soros?”
It was, then, explained to him that most of the Earth follows the Gregorian Calendar, instituted by Pope Gregory XIII in 1582. He was not impressed.
“Oh, some rich liberal Pope decides what year it is? Did he vote in the last election? I doubt it. He’s a foreigner. I’m thinking it’s all about the Deep State. Biden’s kid is involved. And Hillary Clinton’s pizza slave ring!”
He was then informed that the Gregorian Calendar marked the number of years since the birth of the Christ child.
He blinked. “Wait a minute…are you telling me that our calendar is based on…well, you know…what I’ve been…”
He thought for a moment, his face reflecting his inner struggle as he processed this new information. His visage changed from shock to teeth-grinding concentration…either that or he was hiding a sudden groin pull.
When this correspondent left him, he was still standing on the sidewalk. “Happy New Year!” we called and waved, on behalf of WWN.
He waved his hand and yelled back. “Fake News!”