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FEDS CREATE “RAKE FORCE”

IN EFFORT TO COMBAT FOREST FIRES

American Politicians of both parties were astonished when the President used an executive order to create “Rake Force,” a massive 10,000 person outfit, culled from the current military, National Guard Reservists and former hotel maids, now incarcerated, to rake the nation’s forest.

“This has nothing to do with Climate Change,” EPA boss Scott Pruitt allegedly declared, “’cause there ain’t no such thing. We’re just having all these fires everywhere.”

Green Berets training for the rake force.

Green Beret General Leonard Fist of Rake Force Command acknowledged that the mission of raking the nation’s forest floors bare would be difficult, laughing between-beers, “’might as well call this OP FUBAR.”

The U.S. Government has purchased 21,000 Hoover vacuums to start, targeting California first. “Thus far,” General Fist acknowledged, “it’s been a nightmare. Half of the Hoovers blew up overnight before their bags were even half-filled. Pine needles are a relentless foe. Like ISIS.”

A second plan was implemented. “We had 14,000 Roombas airdropped in,” Fist said, grimly. “Those bastards never had a chance. Bears and wildlife took out half of them in two hours. The horror. The horror.”

Donald Trump announcing the Rake Force

One the plus side? The Wall Street Journal has reported that both Hoover and Roomba stocks have soared, with factories working around the clock to manufacture replacement parts, extra bags and new models.

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