We’ve all been there: thigh-height deep in a crypt slowly, slowly filling with the blood ofcenturies-old virgins as one, maybe one, and a bat that turns into a vampire runs at you, armsflailing. Let’s talk about beheading the vampires. If you’re reading this, you’ve survived, but so many of us end up ding-dong durndead because … READ MORE
How can a VAMPIRE also be a Zombie? We turn to WWN reporter Foxington Delaware for the answer.
“YOU SAW HER. YOU GOT HER. NOW, WHAT?” Not satisfied with delivering such cultural milestones as roller boogie, New Age cults, the Marvel Universe and Ronald Reagan to the world, California has now rolled out a new trend that’s spreading like wildfire: Monster Marriage Counseling. Started by Dr. Hans Zupp, the counseling service now has … READ MORE
TRANSILL, AL – Everyone in these parts knew that Vladdy-Joe Crump made moonshine in a cave below Dexter Mountain. And they knew he was a little strange. They all knew he was vampire!” “But everyone thought that was over. That Vladdy-Joe was in hiding – permanently. But it looks like he has returned!” said Transill … READ MORE
“THIS TOWN SUCKS,” SAYS LEAD VAMP. “NO PUN INTENDED.” For decades, the Los Angeles chapter of the International Union of Blood-Suckers has been one of the biggest in the world. But all that is to end in August, according to the chapter’s leader. “This town sucks,” he says. “No pun intended.” The vampire has agreed … READ MORE
TOLEDO, OH – A hidden consequence of the viral outbreak that nobody is talking about is happening right underneath our noses. Vampires are silently suffering an agonizing final death as they dry up into dust and blow away, unable to nourish themselves with late night victims. “It’s been weeks since I have had a decent … READ MORE
HE WHO NYUKS Perhaps no slapstick comedy act is as beloved as the Three Stooges, the group of brothers (and others) led by Moe Howard that was active from 1920 to the 1970s—and remained alive in the minds of young Americans as a result of the constant airing of their nearly 200 short films. The … READ MORE
VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis spent a good part of the day in the annual Halloween tradition at the Vatican: the Blessing of the Vampires. The annual vampire blessing began in the late 19th century by Pope Leo XII. People Leo decided that All Souls Day should include a blessing for vampires who would be … READ MORE
President Obama has confirmed what Newt Gingrich first announced: Mitt Romney is a vampire.
