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CURFEW DEVASTATING VAMPIRE POPULATION!

TOLEDO, OH – A hidden consequence of the viral outbreak that nobody is talking about is happening right underneath our noses. Vampires are silently suffering an agonizing final death as they dry up into dust and blow away, unable to nourish themselves with late night victims.

“It’s been weeks since I have had a decent meal!” Victor Baron explains, “Ever since local governments have started enforcing this curfew, I can’t find anybody out alone at night anymore! Three of my closest undead friends have turned into piles of dust already, and  I’ve been reduced to preying on sewer rats. It’s even grosser than it sounds! And not even kind of nutritious! I’m wasting away! It’s only going to get worse as the days get longer. Sunset gets further and further away. Not to mention stupid daylight savings time.”

Vampires have always been a hidden side of a thriving metropolitan ecosystem. Talked about only in hushed tones by law enforcement and government officials.

“I’m worried that when everything gets back to normal, my job is going to be more challenging than it used to be.” remarks Officer Aureus Beaumont. “One of the reasons our city hasn’t really has to deal with gangs, prostitution, or homeless drug users is because of the civic minded vampire population that has made it’s home here in Toledo.”

OFFICER AUREUS BEAUMONT

GOOD SAMARITANS?

“That’s exactly it.” Victor chimes in, “We could be breaking into houses for sustenance, but we are good citizens. We learned our lesson in the late 1700’s about what it takes to be a good neighbor. We only take known criminals and unsavory types. It makes for a better community. We do our part.”

Toledo does have a staggeringly low crime rate. (If you don’t work late night missing persons into the statistics.) 

Blood banks would be an easy solution to this problem it would seem, but Mr. Baron puts that myth to rest.

“I know in those fancy Hollywood movies about vampires, they always seem to have a blood bank operation going on. It doesn’t work that way. It’s life energy being transferred through the blood at the time of death, not after. When you remove it from the body in a surgical way, it loses that spiritual nutrition. I don’t know any vampire that can live on that. Sure, there are some compassionate human rights nuts that try to become Plasmatarians, but they start to look malnourished within weeks and end up having to make a choice. Remain a human hugger and die, or return to a healthy diet like our progenitor Kain intended.”

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2 thoughts on “CURFEW DEVASTATING VAMPIRE POPULATION!”

  1. Wow! This is a real eye-opener. Thanks for reporting on how COVID-19 is impacting this marginalized group. This is an issue that more people should be talking about but clearly aren’t for whatever reason. We are sourcing your article to spread the word on our podcast:

    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lmG663hcXVE.

    Thanks weekly world news for bringing us the facts!

    Reply
    • Finally… someone actually cares about what’s happening to my people. Monica, I really appreciated your follow up podcast !

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