VAMPIRES LEAVING LOS ANGELES

“THIS TOWN SUCKS,” SAYS LEAD VAMP. “NO PUN INTENDED.”

For decades, the Los Angeles chapter of the International Union of Blood-Suckers has been one of the biggest in the world. But all that is to end in August, according to the chapter’s leader. “This town sucks,” he says. “No pun intended.”

The vampire has agreed to talk to Weekly World News after dark, in his Century City headquarters. “Conditions in Los Angeles have made it frustrating for us,” says Count Vladimir Huffenfrauzin, an actual Hungarian native. “I go by the name Rock Driver on the Sunset Strip.”

From behind his desk in his high-rise H.Q., he smiles, wistfully. “Ouch,” he declares. “I have to watch how I smile. The whole fang-on-lip thing. I use a lot of ointments.”

Why are the vampires leaving L.A.? “Well, it’s basically a bad place to be in terms of sucking blood. Ah, in the old days, it was a different story. You could dress yourself up, flap your wings to a club or a bar, materialize in cool clothing and, then, just hypnotize the ladies. And in the wee hours of the morning? The totally blasted ladies would stagger out of the clubs. We’d half-drain them, get a buzz from their alcohol level and be satiated for a week. You never want to totally drain them because then they’d return as vampires. You never want more competition.”

ROCK DRIVER on THE SUNSET STRIP

“THE BLOOD SUPPLY IS ‘STUPID’”

His face falls. “But that’s all gone, now. The clubs and the bars are closed. The people left on the streets aren’t worth biting. We’re the undead, so we’re not going to catch anything, but the blood supply is ‘stupid.’ You drink it and you want to spit it out. It’s like wanting a Coke and you’re given Mountain Dew. That’s no way to not live.

“Plus, trying to fly around the city in bat form has gotten harder and harder. The light from the traffic is blinding. Then you have these assholes with drones tracking you. It’s just not worth the effort. I can break into any butcher shop and have myself some sloppy seconds without feeling marginalized.”

And, so, in August, the entire Los Angeles chapter of the International Union of Blood-Suckers will move to Florida.

“We avoided Florida in the past because of the elderly population,” Rock says. “I mean, who wants to drink meds? But, apparently, now there are a lot of healthy young specimens cavorting on the beaches despite the pandemic. Young, vibrant humans without a clue. After dark, they’re just laying all over the place like beached whales. Okay, if we bite ‘em, we’ll have a drop in our I.Q.’s for about a 24 hours or so, but watching such ‘alive’ people writhe as we close in? It makes up for it.”

What will Rock miss most about Los Angeles? “Partying with Johnny Depp,” he says.

What is looking forward to in Florida? “DisneyWorld after dark. We’re planning a lot more scares for the Haunted Mansion ride…a lot more…and we’ve all already signed on for season passes.”

He grins and flinches. “Damned these fangs!”

He daubs his lip with a paper towel. “Un-Life is good.”

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