BURNING BENJAMINS DEAR DOTTI,My husband just announced he’s quitting his job to become a “full-time Trump shaman.” He’s wearing a red tie as a headband, burning $100 bills “to cleanse the aura of fiat currency,” and keeps screaming “THE STORM IS COMING” at the Roomba. We have three kids, a mortgage, and a golden retriever … READ MORE
That’s me, darlings! Still kickin’ from my underground bunker in Florida, sippin’ on moonshine spiked with AI regret. Weekly World News ain’t dead – it’s just hidin’ from the fact-checkers! Send your screams to editor@weeklyworldnews.com, or I’ll assume you’re a lizard person and eat your mail. Folks, 2025’s got us by the short hairs! Unemployment’s … READ MORE
(That’s right, it’s me, your favorite red-faced ranter from the holler, spittin’ mad as a wet hen in a hailstorm. Weekly World News don’t pay me enough to put up with this hogwash, but somebody’s gotta say it!) Listen up, you pencil-necked, latte-sippin bureaucrats and their soy-boy sidekicks in Congress! Another government shutdown? AGAIN? What … READ MORE
Folks, I’m so steamed I could boil a bald eagle’s bathwater! This week, some fancy-pants chess whiz named Magnus Carlsen—who sounds like he oughta be selling Swedish meatballs—beat another brainiac, Hikaru Nakamura, in some hoity-toity “Esports World Cup” chess match. And get this: they didn’t even touch a real chessboard! Nope, these eggheads were clicking … READ MORE
Folks, it’s your ol’ pal Dotti here, sippin’ swamp water from a Bigfoot boot and channelin’ wisdom straight from the ghost of Elvis’s gold-plated UFO. The world’s gone madder than a three-eyed cat in a laser pointer factory this October—Trump’s tweetin’ from the moon, climate change turned Florida into a giant kiddie pool, and AI’s … READ MORE
MY FAKE VIDEO ADDICT HUSBAND Dear Dotti:My hubby is obsessed with this new AI video generator trend that’s blowing up everywhere. He spends all day making fake videos of me dancing with aliens or wrestling Bigfoot, and now our neighbors think I’m some kind of intergalactic freak show. Last week, he generated one where I’m … READ MORE
(And if you don’t like it, go hug a liberal pumpkin, you snowflake!) Listen up, you candy-hoarding, fog-machine-fondling freaks of the night! It’s October 31, 2025, and here I am, hunkered down in my bunker with a shotgun loaded with rock salt and a bowl of plain old Hershey bars . The kind of bars … READ MORE
Listen up, you flag-wavin’, hot-dog-eatin’, firecracker-poppin’ Americans! It’s Independence Day, and I’m madder than a bald eagle stuck in a wind turbine! This here’s the day we celebrate our great nation breakin’ free from those tea-sippin’ British tyrants back in 1776, and yet here we are in 2025, squabblin’ like a bunch of alley cats … READ MORE
SHUTDOWN CITY Dear Dotti,With the government shutdown dragging on like a bad acid trip, my paycheck’s vanished faster than Elvis at a sighting convention, and my kids are demanding Fortnite V-Bucks while we eat ramen flavored with regret. How do I keep the family from mutiny? — Starving in Shutdown City Dear Starving: Oh, honey, … READ MORE
Folks, this is Ed Anger here, pig-biting mad as a New Year’s Eve hangover in a dry county! Every January 1st, like clockwork, these whiny, yoga-pants-wearing, kale-munching wimps crawl out of their overpriced apartments and start blabbering about “New Year Resolutions.” Lose weight! Exercise more! Read books! Quit smoking! Save money! Be kinder to Mother … READ MORE