The syndicated series “America’s Dumbest News” has abruptly shut down. Billionaire backer Howard W. Huggs III made the announcement today.
“First of all, forgive my long fingernails. I don’t like hairbrushes,” he began. “And I’m sorry about the soiled diaper. I overslept, this morning.
“Today, I’m announcing the cessation of ‘America’s Dumbest News.’ As many of you know, this has always been my pride and joy. Four years ago, I set out to show how stupid some news stories can be. For instance, it was recently reported that a Florida woman made a frag bomb in a Mason jar while in a Walmart store. Now, get this: she was stealing all the ingredients from the store, putting them all together and, then, was going to create a lethal bomb that would go off in the same store. I thought that was pretty stupid.
“Then, I see the same story on a right-wing news station and Nancy Pelosi’s name was linked to it.”
The long-nailed man sighed. “’Dumbest News’ never had a chance. We reported on a story where a Kansas man asked a judge to allow him to have a samurai sword fight with his ex-wife.
“That same day, the President started to jump up and down about toilets. How do you compete with that? The ‘real’ news is now the ‘dumb’ news. I mean, Yamaha musical instruments are warning people not to cram themselves into one of their instrument cases to be shipped somewhere. Duh?
“I’m ready to headline that and Lindsey Graham does a Scarlett O’ Hara swoon on the Senate floor. Which story gets the most interest? Can you say ‘swoon?’”
Huggs slowly stood up, thanking the assorted pressers in the room. “I thank you all for coming. I hope you didn’t mind the pomegranates on your seats. I’ll see you soon about the start of a new project.”
“What kind of project?” called out this reporter.
Huggs grinned. “I’m thinking of starting a cult.”