Donald Trump, Jr. upset! “Little Bitey Things Were Everywhere!”
The much-heralded “Africa In Texas” private hunt has been called off. The Moreau Ranch, a 30,000-acre spread near Houston, cited “an infestation of a foreign species” as the reason.
The “safari” leaders, brothers Don and Ron Bratz, the twin sons of American slumlord king Ichabod (“Icky”) Bratz, were more specific as to what halted their safari.
“Let me put it simply,” declared Don, “the unfortunate nature of this particular hunt will not, in any way, stop my brother and me from achieving our dream: to shoot each and every exotic animal species left on the face of the planet.”
Injected Ron, “We’ve never encountered a situation where nature struck back with…these…little bitey things.”
“I thought they were more nibbly,” said Don. “Like a duck or something.”
“We don’t shoot ducks.”
“Might be easier.”
The two Bratz were, according to their testimony, assaulted by “waves upon waves of little nibblies/biteys” that made castanet sounds and looked like marching false teeth. When they turned to flee, they were confronted by, what Ron perceived as “a tsunami of crawling hands! Hands littler than Dad’s! Creepy!”
The two frightened Bratz fled for their lives, carefully avoiding, per Ron, “a bazillion little birds staring at us, while dunking their beaks up and down out of glasses of water, bobbing like oil wells!”
“I think some of them were wearing top hats!” exclaimed Don as two private ambulances pulled in.
Collecting all the facts, WWN decided to do a little detective work. It turns out, not two miles from Dr. Moreau’s Ranch was a novelty toy factory in foreclosure. WWN proceeded to the abandoned factory and found middle-aged brother and sister, David and Barbara Kuzafetter, huddled, in laughter, over a bong as big as a VW van.
WWN promises not to tell…NOT!
After Weekly World News introduced itself to the stoned Kuzafetters and explained the story thus far, they burst out laughing.
“We always wanted to do something with our overstock,” giggled David. “But just selling it didn’t seem right. This factory was our late Dad’s dream.”
“When we heard about what was happening next door, with those rich geeks’ hunts? Killing for fun? We put the toys to good use,” enthused Barbara. “We had 2,000 volunteers from around the state to wind-up the toys, crates and crates of toys. We never even placed an ad.”
“And,” David added, “we have enough toys in stock to screw up at least ten more hunts.”
He suddenly grew serious. “And you won’t print any of this, will you? I mean, you would ruin everything.”
This reporter smiled graciously. “Your secret is safe with us. We’ll never print any of this.”
And, now, Weekly World News has for an exclusive scoop!
(What’s that “clackity-clack” noise? What’s that nibbling! And those birds are wearing top hats!!!! Nooooo!)