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NEW YORK – A Greenland ice chunk four times the size of Manhattan has broken off and is headed… for Manhattan!

Government officials are scrambling.  Manhattan is under threat from a gigantic ice chunk!  Residents are on high alert.  The chunk is moving fast and if it keeps on course, the city may have to be evacuated. Again, this chunk could destroy half of Manhattan if it slams directly into it.   Code Red!

Mayor Michael Bloomberg held a press conference this morning. “We have our Emergency Response and Evacuation teams on high alert. We are monitoring the situation carefully.”

A University of Delaware professor of ocean science, David de Andrade, said that “in the early morning hours of August 5, 2010, an ice island four times the size of Manhattan split off from northern Greenland.” Satellite imagery of this remote area south of the North Pole, reveals that Petermann Glacier (named after a Seinfeld character), lost about one-quarter of its 43-mile long floating ice-shelf. Petermann Glacier was one of the two largest remaining glaciers in Greenland and connects the great Greenland ice sheet directly with the ocean.

What is unusual about this ice chunk is that it is moving at 150 knots (172 mph).  It could hit Manhattan…in ten hours!

Homeland Security Chief, Janet Napolitano, is in New York monitoring the situation. There are rumors that this isn’t a normal ice chunk and that it may have been created by the Russians.  Apparently, Vladmir Putin has been fascinated by Greenland glaciers for the last twenty years. “He’s always had a secret desire to attack Manhattan with a chunk of ice, and it looks like he may just have figured out a way to do it,” said Napolitano.

Even though some Manhattan residents were screaming in the streets (which had nothing to do with the news), they are ready.  A large number of Manhattan Minute Men have gone down to Battery Park with Anti Ice Chunk Guns.  These are large guns that look like canons.  “We’ll blow the sucker out of the water, before it even gets close,”  said David Wosky.

It’s tense in Manhattan!  And the ice chunk is also a problem.  Get ready to run for your lives!…