BEES TAKE FIRST! A nightmarish scene broke out this past Thursday evening when a swarm of bees broke free from their cage at a State Fair Spelling Bee in Frisco, Indiana. The event – heralded as an exciting “bee-bee” crossover by the Honey Bee Conservatory – was an unmitigated, terrifying disaster, a day that will … READ MORE
“I got confused,” the first-time robber admits. The sleepy town of Pompeii, Massachusetts was jolted awake, today, when a brazen bank robber burst into the local Wells Fargo bank on Main Street and demanded money. The bank had just opened and there were over three-dozen clients inside. Eagle-eyed bank teller Jason Lloyd spotted the gunman … READ MORE
AND THEY HAVE CORONAVIRUS ADVICE The world is in the grips of coronavirus fever. Every day brings updated numbers of those infected and breathless stories about clusters where the virus seems to be spreading. It’s affecting schools, malls, even markets. The result is a global citizenry that doesn’t know where to turn, or how to … READ MORE
CITES “MANUFACTURING DEFECTS” God is adding 5.2 million humans worldwide to a major recall to fix manufacturing defects that lead to emotional and spiritual malfunction and the failure of empathy. A spokesangel for the Almighty, Jehudiel, said this week that the additional beings bring the total number of humans recalled in history to more than 22 million. … READ MORE
IT’S A SNARLING BADGER! For three years, now, the mainstream media has been harassing President Donald Trump about not having a family pet. The Fake News reporters would remind him that most presidents have frisky playful dogs running in and out of the White House. The President has dismissed these inquiries with either a smirk … READ MORE
THE MYTH DEBUNKED. IT WAS ALL MADE UP! Score one for the research team! Historians Montgomery Heffer and Tim Sumpernan hit a grand slam yesterday, releasing their startling findings that Babe Ruth – “former All-Star slugger of the New York Yankees” – was completely made up! “Much like the “Babe,” we called our shot, and … READ MORE
HIS LAST PITCH? PLANS TO GIVE EVERY CITIZEN $5,000 IF ELECTED Channeling Herbert Hoover’s election playbook, Mayor Michael Bloomberg pledged today to pay $5,000 in cash to “each and every citizen of the United States if I am elected as President.” The pledge marks a radical change in strategy for the billionaire’s campaign which has … READ MORE
Taken down at Jumbo’s Clown Room Los Angeles Police arrested Holographic Axl Rose last night at Jumbo’s Clown Room in Hollywood. They were taken into custody after Axl and five others destroyed the strip-club in a rowdy bar brawl. The three-dimensional sensation faces charges of mayhem and inciting a riot. This all happened just as … READ MORE
“MCCONNELL BEGAN ONE OF THOSE SPEECHES AND I LOST MY HEAD,” SAYS DEM SENATOR “X.” When Senator Mitch McConnell began one of his monotoned, non-blinking speeches about viruses, one Democratic senator had had enough. “This guy could stop a rampaging elephant herd with his adenoidal drones,” says Democratic Senator “X.” “I couldn’t stand it anymore. … READ MORE
THE SHEER-LUCK MILLIONAIRE Marcus Fuller didn’t grow up poor. He was a middle-class kid in Kansas City whose father was a dentist and whose mother taught school. But he never imagined he’d be one of the 100 richest people in the United States. And he certainly didn’t know that it would be as a result … READ MORE