Year: 2020

GETTING A GRIP ON OUR FEARS!

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SILVER LINING FOR HARD-LUCK INVENTOR OF EXTEND-A-HAND Up until this year, Martin Mopton was, by his own admission, “the world’s worst inventor.” His (insert sarcasm here) brilliant ideas included a talking toilet, sunglasses with mirrors on the insides of the lenses, broccoli-flavored cauliflower, and something called “Scented Window.” Over the years, Mopton estimates that he … READ MORE

AMITYVILLE DAYCARE CENTER TO CLOSE!

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“The kids loved it,” insists Principal The controversial Amityville House Daycare Center is scheduled to be shuttered this week and Principal of the Center and owner of the legendary house is crying foul. “I knew I was sailing into uncharted seas when I thought of this idea two years ago,” says Peter Scribbling, “but I … READ MORE

CALIFORNIA CITY SWEARS IN DINOSAUR AS COP

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Offisaurus already most popular on force! A small California city has been among the most progressive in the country when it comes to policing.  Spot’s Hook, in the far northern part of the state, was the first city in the country to experiment with community-based pay, maglev police cars, and on-the-job hypnosis.  Now the city … READ MORE

POLITICS BANNED FROM ALL CABLE NEWS NETWORKS?

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If a grass-roots organization has its way, all political shows would be banned from TV. “They’re all annoying and depressing,” says W. Thorndike Greene, president of the “Keep Stupidity Off TV” organization, a collection of apolitical zealots from across the country and people with no lives. “There’s very limited factual content to political television shows, … READ MORE

SPY GEESE!

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RUSSIA SENDS SPY GEESE TO DISRUPT U.S. ELECTION WASHINGTON, DC – The Pentagon confirmed to Weekly World News that Russia is once again interfering with our upcoming election. They have sent over 10,000 Spy Geese to the United States over the past two weeks. The goal is to cause havoc for all candidates running for … READ MORE

WIFE HAS DEAD HUSBAND STUFFED

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“Our marriage has never been better,” says the widow. By most accounts, 45-year-old Chaz Krunk was not the pride of Enid, Oklahoma. Retiring early because of a disability, the ex-factory worker spent his time drinking gin, bellowing at people walking past his house, tearing down neighborhood fences in the wee hours of the morning and … READ MORE

GEORGIA MAN PROPOSES TO HIS VOICE ASSISTANT!

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WHAT TIME IS IT, AND WILL YOU MARRY ME? Franklin Jennings was unlucky in love: increasingly unlucky. His first marriage, to his college girlfriend, ended after eight years. His second, to his divorce attorney, lasted five. And his third, to his high-school sweetheart—who he reconnected with at a reunion—was over in under a year.  “You … READ MORE

RETIRED SHOW-BIZ BEARS OPEN LAW FIRM

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“WHEN GRIZZ ENTERS THE COURTROOM? CASE OVER!” In his youth, lawyer Tony Balaski, Jr. worked for his father’s act, Balaski and His Bruins. The hit of the carnival and circus circuit, the act consisted of Tony Sr. getting his Brown bears, Boo-Boo and Smokey, to beep horns, box each other and ride unicycles. The big … READ MORE

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