HYANNIS, MA – Ted Kennedy was notably absent today as family and friends gathered to pay their last respects to Eunice Kennedy Shriver. Or was he?

ASHLAND, NH – Earl Havlock picked up the phone at the general store, dialed his brother Elwood and said: “come on down. I think I’ve won some money for you on the lottery.”

WASHINGTON D.C. – The ghost of Mary Jo Kopechne is at it again! And she’s really leaving her mark!

When tough times start shrinking your bank-roll, you can survive if you follow tightwad tips from the greatest experts on Earth — the world’s richest people!

LOS ANGELES, CA – Reports are pouring in that, Lady Gaga, the New York-born singer songwriter is not quite the ultra-feminine sexy siren she claims to be. According to sources, Gaga boasts both male and female genitalia.

BRONX, NY – It was reported that Michael Jackson was to trade in his famed sequined glove for a baseball mitt. The late eccentric millionaire was to buy the Yankee franchise — so he could play center field.

NEW YORK, NY — 80’s teen film director John Hughes died Thursday of apparent cardiac arrest during a morning stroll in Manhattan. Talks are now underway to develop a script that will not only dramatize Hughes’ life, but unveil the moments leading up to his untimely demise.

PLATTSBURGH, NY – The future is here! Terrafugia has just announced that the Transition flying car has made its first successful flight.

PORTLAND, OR – After a 1,900% tax hike was proposed to help the state budget, Oregon residents have protested by dumping beer into the Portland harbor.

CALIFON, NJ – In the wake of a recent successful auction, one middle-aged virgin wants to be the first man to sell his first time!