What Is Friend Rock? A new music genre is taking over, and industry insiders say it might just save live music. It’s not indie, punk, or post-post-emo—it’s Friend Rock. How Friend Rock Works: Show Up, No Questions Asked What is Friend Rock? It’s the genre you commit to without ever hearing a song. When a … READ MORE
Folks, I’m so steamed I could boil my own head in a pot of clam chowder! Just when you think the world can’t get any dumber, those pointy-headed Eurocrats in Brussels go and prove me wrong. Word on the street—and by street, I mean the patriotic pavement of Main Street, USA—is that the European Union … READ MORE
Folks, I’m so steamed I could fry an egg on my forehead! Airline travel these days is a one-way ticket to Miseryville, and I’m sick and tired of it! Back in the good ol’ days, flying was a treat—stewardesses in sharp uniforms, legroom you could stretch a horse in, and meals that didn’t taste like … READ MORE
In an unexpected move, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has reportedly approached late-90s rock legends Smash Mouth to compose a fresh version of the national anthem, hoping to infuse it with what officials are calling “unstoppable stadium energy.” A Bold Move for a Bold Nation Saudi cultural representatives stated that the kingdom is looking to … READ MORE
Well, slap my hide and call me a patriot, folks! The day I’ve been hollerin’ about for years has finally come, and I’m madder than a wet hen that it took this long! President Donald J. Trump—God bless that beautiful head of hair—has signed an executive order that’s gonna make America’s showers great again, and … READ MORE
Well, folks, I’m madder than a hornet in a windstorm, and it’s all because of these blasted tariffs that President Trump just slapped on the world like a big ol’ “Made in America” sticker! I’m telling you, I’ve been steaming ever since I heard about this “Liberation Day” nonsense—10% on everything coming into the good … READ MORE
Folks, I’m madder than a wet hen in a tote sack, and you know why? Paper straws! Those limp, soggy, good-for-nothing excuses for drinking implements have been shoved down our throats—literally—for years now by the tree-hugging, granola-crunching, save-the-planet nitwits who think they’re smarter than the rest of us. Well, I’ve had it up to my … READ MORE
High Alert Over the High Seas The British Royal Navy found itself in deep water this week after mistaking a particularly gassy whale for a hostile Russian drone. Reports indicate that a routine patrol in the North Sea turned chaotic when sonar operators detected what they believed to be an “unidentified underwater threat” moving erratically … READ MORE
Listen up, you green-beer-guzzling, shamrock-waving lunatics—I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with this St. Patrick’s Day baloney! Every March, the whole country turns into a bunch of giggling, emerald-clad nitwits, prancing around like leprechauns on a bender, and I’m madder than a wet hen in a hailstorm about it! This holiday is nothing but … READ MORE
A 39-year-old South Carolina man was acquitted of robbing 15 banks in the last twomonths on account of a jury buying his lawyer’s claim that his client had “moral dyslexia”– a condition which caused the defendant to view questions of right and wrong“backwards.” Jerome Shakey, the lawyer for Travis Walleye, explained it thus: “In normal … READ MORE