Saudi Arabia Asks Smash Mouth to Rework National Anthem, Citing “All-Star Energy” 🇸🇦 🌟🎸

In an unexpected move, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has reportedly approached late-90s rock legends Smash Mouth to compose a fresh version of the national anthem, hoping to infuse it with what officials are calling “unstoppable stadium energy.” A Bold Move for a Bold Nation Saudi cultural representatives stated that the kingdom is looking to … READ MORE

TRUMP’S SHOWERHEAD ORDER SAVES AMERICA! BUREAUCRATS FINALLY GET WASHED AWAY

Well, slap my hide and call me a patriot, folks! The day I’ve been hollerin’ about for years has finally come, and I’m madder than a wet hen that it took this long! President Donald J. Trump—God bless that beautiful head of hair—has signed an executive order that’s gonna make America’s showers great again, and … READ MORE

I’M PIG-BITING MAD ABOUT PAPER STRAWS —and THE BIG Plastic Comeback!

Folks, I’m madder than a wet hen in a tote sack, and you know why? Paper straws! Those limp, soggy, good-for-nothing excuses for drinking implements have been shoved down our throats—literally—for years now by the tree-hugging, granola-crunching, save-the-planet nitwits who think they’re smarter than the rest of us. Well, I’ve had it up to my … READ MORE

THE NAVY BLOWS IT: WHALE FART MISTAKEN FOR RUSSIAN DRONE 🚢🐋💨

High Alert Over the High Seas The British Royal Navy found itself in deep water this week after mistaking a particularly gassy whale for a hostile Russian drone. Reports indicate that a routine patrol in the North Sea turned chaotic when sonar operators detected what they believed to be an “unidentified underwater threat” moving erratically … READ MORE

MY AMERICA: “I HATE ST. PATRICK’S DAY”

Listen up, you green-beer-guzzling, shamrock-waving lunatics—I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with this St. Patrick’s Day baloney! Every March, the whole country turns into a bunch of giggling, emerald-clad nitwits, prancing around like leprechauns on a bender, and I’m madder than a wet hen in a hailstorm about it! This holiday is nothing but … READ MORE

MAN ACQUITTED OF ROBBING BANKS BECAUSE HE HAS “MORAL DYSLEXIA”

A 39-year-old South Carolina man was acquitted of robbing 15 banks in the last twomonths on account of a jury buying his lawyer’s claim that his client had “moral dyslexia”– a condition which caused the defendant to view questions of right and wrong“backwards.” Jerome Shakey, the lawyer for Travis Walleye, explained it thus: “In normal … READ MORE