APPETITE FOR PROJECTION LOS ANGELES – Rockers and rollers rejoiced today when Guns N’Roses announced their Appetite For Projection tour starting in LA in the Spring of 2020. The boys will make stops in 14 countries including Japan, China, North Korea, Bangladesh, Syria, and Greenland. The tour will feature songs from their new album Projected … READ MORE
“We’ve finally wrested control of Christmas from the heathen hordes,” boasted long-time social protestor Timothy O’Blivious to this WWN correspondent. “Now, we’re taking on New Year’s.” O’Blivious has fought long and hard in the War on Christmas. “First, we managed to get the ‘X’ out of Christmas. Remember that crap? Merry Xmas.” To make his … READ MORE
Not from Hell, But To Hell! Lucy and Marcus Teegarden planned to spend their tenth anniversary on a cruise. “I suggested it for months,” Lucy said. “I started with small hints—you know, saying nice things about cruises when we saw them in movies or on TV. But Marcus is dense, so I started leaving pamphlets … READ MORE
IN EFFORT TO COMBAT FOREST FIRES American Politicians of both parties were astonished when the President used an executive order to create “Rake Force,” a massive 10,000 person outfit, culled from the current military, National Guard Reservists and former hotel maids, now incarcerated, to rake the nation’s forest. “This has nothing to do with Climate … READ MORE
A statewide manhunt is underway this morning in Washington for Santa Claus. He escaped from the Betty Ford Clinic late yesterday afternoon. Santa was being watched round-the-clock, ut somehow managed to flee after a small explosion blew a hole in his quarters. No injuries have been reported because most of the residents were in the … READ MORE
A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE! Jesus H. Christ, Son of God and The Savior of Mankind, was amazed, last week, to find the face of rock songstress Cher in his slice of rye toast. “It was definitely the face of Cher,” said Mr. Christ. “I couldn’t believe it. I’ve been a fan of hers since her Sonny … READ MORE
A woman has given birth to an amazing Reindeer Boy who sports a pair of antlers! The cuddly infant, appropriately named Rudolph is now seven months old. Despite a prominent set of pointy antlers sprouting from his head, he is in perfect health. His doctors in Nome, Alaska feel that he can have a normal … READ MORE
HE CAN’T BE STOPPED Legendary Hollywood producer/director George Lucas is ready to re-release Star Wars, or Star Wars IV or Whatever, after re-editing the film for the 300th time. “The idea came to me after a severe head injury,” said Lucas. “The first idea I had was: what if we eliminated the character of Han … READ MORE
“I CAN’T BELIEVE OUR BAD LUCK,” SAYS PRODUCER OF BROADWAY-BOUND ‘BOOK OF JOB.’ The Hyman Group has announced that the long-awaited “The Book of Job- The Musical” will not be debuting on Broadway next month as planned. They’ve pulled the plug on the project. “I can’t believe our bad luck,” said producer Dick Hyman. “Things … READ MORE
Monk Snaps! Screams at his bell for 3 days straight. GALLOWAY, SCOTLAND – There was some monk mayhem at the Kagyu Samye Ling Monastery when Ian Blanton had a breakdown while meditating. Blanton went on a three-day rant, destroying pillows, bells, and incense holders as he demanded to talk to someone – “anyone.” Blanton had … READ MORE