BOSTON – The air you’re breathing is making you fat!
A new study released yesterday by scientists at Tufts University links the consumption of air to weight gain. Scientists analyzed the diets of 30,000 obese adults in an effort to find the common cause of their obesity.
The culprit: air.
“It was a simple scientific procedure,” said Cheryl Spangler, a biologist at Tufts University and the study’s leading researcher. “Our objective was to find the one thing that all fat people had in common. And after months of research, it finally hit us: All fat people breathe air. I can’t believe it took us so long to realize that! ”
The study found that adults who inhale at least 5 liters of unfiltered atmospheric air per day risk a 50 percent chance of gaining weight in the next 10 years.
Even more shocking, the study found that nationwide, 100 percent of adults consume air on a regular basis, and of those 100 percent, 100 percent of those surveyed said they consume more than 5 liters per day.
“We’re all headed for big fat trouble if we don’t do something about this,” said Spangler. “The next step is eliminating air from our diets. I know it’s going to be tough, but it will save our lives some day. ”
It didn’t take long before news of the study reached its way to the White House. Even health-obsessed First Lady Michelle Obama chimed in on the revolutionary discovery: “As a demonstration of my unwavering dedication to a healthier America, I will abstain from breathing air for the next 24 hours,” she pledged in a press conference earlier this afternoon.
Mrs. Obama could not be reached for a follow-up comment.
In light of the new study linking obesity to air, American corporations have released a slew of health-conscious air products. The Coca-Cola Company unveiled a new line of bottled “Air Zero,” a low-fat, low-calorie air substitute with half the sugar of regular air. Not to be outdone, the McDonald’s Corporation announced on-line that their fries will now be served with “less air and even more grease.”
However, despite corporate America’s efforts to promote healthy breathing, scientists are urging the America public to make dietary changes on a personal level.
“We’ve been breathing air for millions of years, and we all just assume it’s healthy” said George Baumgartner, a spokesperson for the New York State Department of Health. “Well we couldn’t be more wrong. Air is a nutritional nightmare, and most of us can’t go a day without breathing it. It’s like we’re addicted to the stuff.”
In a related study, Tufts scientists are compiling research that links to obesity to depression.
“We’ve seen the evidence, and it doesn’t look good” said study coordinator Roy Harmon. “Being fat increases your risk of being depressed, which in turn, increases your risk of anxiety attacks, which then increases your risk of overeating, which, increases your risk of obesity all over again. The Fat Cycle.”
My advice: don’t eat, drink, or breathe for the next 48 hours and you should be fine.”