WASHINGTON, DC – Vice President Dick Cheney has announced that he is a Vampire. At a press conference in the hours before dawn, Cheney stated, “I am an Undead-American.”
His admission comes as a shock to most Americans, but is no surprise to anyone who knew him well. This may also shed light on his questionable relationship with Chief of Staff Alfred Renfield.
Cheney answered several questions relating to the nature of his vampirism. According to his statement he was bitten while on a diplomatic mission to Eastern Europe during the first Bush administration. During the day he either works in underground White House rooms, or rests in the man-sized safe in his office.
When asked how he reconciles being a vampire with his conservative policies, Cheney growled “This is a private family matter, which we have worked through, and will continue to work through.”
Dick Cheney went on to say “I don’t believe my thirst for blood has affected my politics.”
Clearly the Vice President waited until after the election to come out of the coffin, so as to not further alienate voters already scared by the Republican Party. The recent trend in vampire-sexy with successes like “Twilight” and “True Blood” also made Cheney feel more apt to be accepted.
Vampire Advocacy groups are condemning the soon to be ex-vice president for not coming out sooner. Gabrielle LeFleur of Fangs for Friends said “He is only encouraging vampirism as something to be ashamed of. These Log-Mausoleum Republicans do not help the cause.”
The Vice President’s announcement comes on the heels of reports of seven missing White House interns; six beautiful women and one confused effeminate young man. After staring into Cheney’s eyes, experts believe there is no connection.