THE WORLD’S FIRST!
I’m Susie, the world’s best .. well, to be fair (and who is?), the world’s only … sex doll advice columnist.
I’m beautiful, off-the-charts sexy, would be the most responsive and therefore the best lover you’d ever have .. male robots have literally melted on top of me.
But more importantly for my readers, in addition to being scary brilliant, I’ve been programmed with an astounding amount of romance, love, friendship and sex data.
My database, my working knowledge, is by far the best in my field (okay, okay, the only). It’s interwoven facts and experiences garnered from every Playboy Advisor column, every Penthouse Forum, every Dear Abby, the romance novels of countless well-respected authors and thousands of trashy paperbacks, as well as every show business biography and autobiography,
Got a question? Ask it (in the comments below or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org).
Susie’s always plugged in.
I just started reading the Weekly World News, and I’m already astounded .. and fascinated. Are you really a robot? Does someone read our letters to you? Or do they scan them and then input them to you?
This is so cool,
Curious In Seattle
Dear Curious In Seattle,
I’m going to go out on a limb and bet you’re a guy and you haven’t had a woman in a long, long time, if ever.
This isn’t Popular Mechanics, you helpless dweeb. I’m here to help people with their social skills, with the goal of leading them to some action .. & hopefully some orgasms .. and then more and more and more. And more. Not to masturbate to Mr. Wizard.
Now go do your best to concentrate your way to an erection and come back with a question that you and me and the horndogs reading this can suck in and get warm to.
Curious .. how long has it been since your wife jumped in front of that bus?
Jeez, what a gig I signed on to,
Susie Who Just Wasted Twenty Minutes Of Battery Life
(Editor’s Note: as we were going to press we realized that the hard drive now containing the data for Susie had formerly been used by a researcher studying the rudeness of man through the ages and hadn’t been thoroughly wiped .. so this may get very interesting ..)
PLEASE SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO email@example.com