Listen up, you green-beer-guzzling, shamrock-waving lunatics—I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with this St. Patrick’s Day baloney! Every March, the whole country turns into a bunch of giggling, emerald-clad nitwits, prancing around like leprechauns on a bender, and I’m madder than a wet hen in a hailstorm about it! This holiday is nothing but … READ MORE
A 39-year-old South Carolina man was acquitted of robbing 15 banks in the last twomonths on account of a jury buying his lawyer’s claim that his client had “moral dyslexia”– a condition which caused the defendant to view questions of right and wrong“backwards.” Jerome Shakey, the lawyer for Travis Walleye, explained it thus: “In normal … READ MORE
Folks, I’m so steamed up right now I could melt the paint off a battleship! They’ve gone and done it this time. Plopped a 60-foot Kim Kardashian balloon right smack in the middle of Times Square like it’s some kind of national treasure! I saw the pictures, and let me tell you, I nearly choked … READ MORE
I’m madder than a porcupine in a balloon factory over this Zelensky-Trump-Vance circus in the Oval Office last week! That meeting got my blood pressure higher than a cat’s back in a dog pound. I’m talking about that so-called “meeting” between President Trump and that Ukrainian fella, Zelensky. Now, don’t get me wrong. I love … READ MORE
Sparking Joy, Losing Millions: Man Must Buy Landfill After Marie Kondo’d His Drawers, throws out Bitcoin Wallet Lost Bitcoin Wallet Turns Minimalist Dream Into Nightmare A man who once prided himself on decluttering his life now faces an expensive reality—he accidentally threw away a hard drive containing millions in Bitcoin. Inspired by Marie Kondo’s philosophy, … READ MORE
“Gary Holt Has Parted Ways with Gary Holt… and Also Welcomes Back Gary Holt” In what is being described as the most Groundhog Day-esque moment in thrash metal history, Exodus has fired its entire lineup—including and especially Gary Holt—only to immediately rehire itself. The official statement, released via the band’s Instagram page, read: “Exodus have … READ MORE
Police corgi Caught “SLEEPING” During Shift In a shocking turn of events, a Chinese police corgi has reportedly been disciplined for being “bored” on the job, proving that no one—not even man’s best friend—is safe from workplace scrutiny. The canine, a highly trained K9 officer, was seen yawning excessively and showing signs of disinterest during … READ MORE
In an unexpected move, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has reportedly approached late-90s rock legends Smash Mouth to compose a fresh version of the national anthem, hoping to infuse it with what officials are calling “unstoppable stadium energy.” A Bold Move for a Bold Nation Saudi cultural representatives stated that the kingdom is looking to … READ MORE
THE ZOMBIE WEDDING
A young couple holds their wedding during the Zombie Apocalypse. But he’s a zombie, and she’s human. And he is HUNGRY.
WEEKLY WORLD NEWS REPORTERS are there to cover it all
– while trying to stay alive!
GET READY FOR THE WEDDING OF YOUR (UN)DEAD LIFE!
The popular children’s card game “Go Fish” has been declared illegal. The Federal Dept. of Fish and Wildlife, due to environmental concerns. For generations, children have enjoyed this simple game, in which one player asks the other “Do you have any __?” With ___ being a particular card, like a seven, or a Jack. If … READ MORE