WASHINGTON, DC – This weekend, former Vice President Dick Cheney said Rush Limbaugh was his model Republican. Thousands of young republicans around the country are making daring changes to live up to their new conservative ideal.
On Face the Nation this Sunday, Dick Cheney was invited on to speak about his ideas regarding the future of the Republican Party. In this interview, Cheney stated he believed the model Republican would be popular radio host Rush Limbaugh. He went on to describe the various ways that Republicans should follow the Rush example.
“Parents should be pulling their kids out of college,” said Dick Cheney. “I mean, if you love your country and you’re a patriot, you won’t send your children to college. These are institutions that brainwash impressionable young minds with their liberal agenda. Giving your money to something like that, you might as well be funding terrorism. They are the real threat to America’s future. Now look at Rush Limbaugh. He makes more money per year than some African nations and he never finished college. He got kicked out after one year!”
Republicans have taken his words to heart and are now taking drastic measures to live up to the newly anointed model of Conservativism.
Republican families are pulling their children out of college in record numbers. In less than 24 hours, 6000 students have been pulled out of classes by enraged Republican families. Sarah Lawrence College saw a riot last night between the local community and the student body. A drum circle was trampled by angry goats brought by members of the local 4H club, and three hackey sacks were placed in the rectum of the Dean of Philosophy. The school has shut down until the tension has passed.
Republicans not in college are finding other ways to follow in Rush’s feet. Conservative eating contests are being organized around the country. Hot dogs, apple pie, and other Americana treats are the favorites at these competitions designed to put on pounds and raise money for military families.
Dick Cheney concluded his interview this Sunday by saying that Rush would play a key role in the marketing of a re-branded Republican Party. “He’s going to be a part of the new marketing push we do to get our image out there. The image is Rush being anointed as the head of the GOP naked on the top of Mount Rushmore. It’s all in black and white, real classy.” He then appeared to get lost in his own thoughts, “Yeah, real classy…”