TOLEDO – A crazed burger killer is on the loose in Ohio – stabbing cheeseburgers across the state.
FoxNews in Toledo is reporting that a mysterious person has been roaming the countryside, seeking out freshly-cooked cheeseburgers and violently stabbing them. The cheeseburgers, unable to defend themselves, have been slaughtered, stabbed repeatedly with a steak knife, leaving nothing but Burger bits on the ground.
“It’s horrifying,” said a distraught Laura Calcaterra (pictured here).
“We were ready to serve the children burgers, when the Burger Killer rushed into our backyard and stabbed every cheeseburger we had. There was nothing left but buns,” said Calcaterra. The children at the 6-year-old birthday party went screaming in all directions. “They’ll never be able to eat cheeseburgers again, never.”
Toledo Police are taking the Burger Killer seriously. “Sometimes it starts with burgers, then it moves to steak, then mice, then cats, then dogs, then humans. It’s a typical pattern. We have to stop the Burger Killer now, before he does more harm.”
“Nonsense,” said Burger Expert, Professor Frank Bontempo of the University of Toledo. “There is no evidence, empirical or otherwise, that demonstrates that killing or stabbing cheeseburgers leads to murder of humans. What my studies have shown is that people that attack Burgers, typically stick to meat attacks. They may kill a few hot dogs or pork sandwiches, but that’s it. There’s no escalation whatsoever.”
The Toledo Police have set up Burger Killer Task Force. Burger King, McDonald’s and Denny’s have hired round-the-clock guards to protect their restaurants. “Some of our customers who have ordered Big Macs, have seen a shadowy figure nearby. We have to protect our customers and our burgers.”
“It’s impossible to kill a burger. It’s already dead,” said seven-year-old Christine Sumanis. “The cow was killed and then made into a burger and then this person comes in and stabs it to death, but it’s not really death because it’s already dead. I’m confused.” It’s easy for children to understand the evil that some men (or women) do… but the Burger Killer is running wild in Ohio. There have been a number of reports of Burger Killer stabbings in Akron, Youngstown and just yesterday there were several hundred cheeseburgers killed at Cleveland Brown parties in Cleveland.
“We will catch the Burger Killer. Count on it!,” said Captain John Comito of the Toledo Police Department.
The Toledo Police already had a “person of interest” that they suspect may be the Burger Killer. Here she is: