ALIEN ENCOUNTER FASHION TIPS

BEAM UP IN STYLE, AND PASS THE INTERSTELLAR VIBE CHECK

Through 40 years of documenting alien encounters, Weekly World News has noticed a striking pattern: your choice of clothing influences the likelihood of your abduction. Your fashion style will determine whether extraterrestrials think you are a candidate for experimentation.

Many abductees have vanished into the sky never to return. But if you wear the right clothes, you just might make it back.

What these folks wore at the time of abduction played a key role in keeping their celestial captors copacetic.

These encounters are becoming more commonplace. With this in mind we’ve compiled a list of tips, based on conversations with aliens we have had over the past four decades.

FASHION DO’S

• DO Attract attention from afar: shiny metallic fabric, bright colors. Do use reflective materials, rhinestones even a hat with a spinning model solar system. Remember, aliens can zoom in to get a better look at us.    
• DO Wear comfortable loose-fitting clothing with an easy range of movement, like silk pajamas. Aliens abduct many people right from their bedrooms, so this should be a no-brainer. A second layer, such as a robe or kimono, will keep you modest and warm on a drafty spacecraft. Keep it simple. If aliens instruct you to take off your clothes, you’ll want to be able to do so quickly. In particular, the Gootans are known for their lack of patience.
• DO Be prepared to give the aliens your valuables. Even a friendly Zeeban encounter is likely to end with your personal effects confiscated. They may be cataloged, scanned, and added to their store of interplanetary curiosities. Consider anything you bring as a potential gift for your temporary overlords.
• DO consider sensible footwear. Bunny slippers seem the logical choice given your pajamas, but a sturdy pair of sneakers or boots will serve you better in unpredictable circumstances. A flying saucer appears small and sleek on the outside, but spacetime warping allows for a football stadium-sized interior. Be prepared for a range of artificial biomes with variable substrates.
• DOo-doo in most cases is inevitable. Bring an extra pair of underwear– even two. It’s best to be over-prepared if you’re faced with a spontaneous bowel evacuation. 

FASHION DON’TS

• DON’T disguise yourself as a cow. Please recognize the livestock abduction trope is an invention of Hollywood and video games, and documented instances of livestock abduction are rare. That said, cows are recognizable to many species as a potential food source. You also don’t want to deal with an angry alien trying to milk your stomach without success.
• DON’T dress up as an alien. Even if you think it’s cute, or an homage to your favorite sci-fi property, or weekly news periodical. The chances your abductor perceives your costume as a lethal threat are distressingly above zero. Worse yet, you could offend your hosts
• DON’T dress for a new life on an alien planet. Even with a state-of-the-art space suit, or maybe a slick Flash Gordon number, it’ll be incompatible with another planet’s atmosphere. Appropriate attired will be provided if they decide to bring you anywhere.
• DON’T Bring a weapon. No mace, no brass knuckles, no flea market katana, zip, nada. It’s the fastest way to go from an object of curiosity for little green men into a lethal threat to be swarmed and consumed. The likelihood of a typical weapon having any effect on an alien is low, as many species are made of neurosynaptic swarms of nanobots. Bottom line: if you’re docile, you’ll come out of this unscathed. Most aliens just want to observe us, study us, and at worst engage in a little tag and release.
• DON’T be afraid to be YOU! Express your authentic humanity with these practical tips to guide you. E.T. observers should see us as we are, an array of unique samples as colorful and varied as the planets in our galaxy.