Anthropologists recently confirmed that Vikings reached the shores of North America one thousand years ago. They also confirmed that these Nordic explorers felt dissed. Apparently, they weren’t invited to the first Thanksgiving.
Cryptologists have translated The Viking ship logs. One entry reads: “No one even tried to reach out. Despite the fact that we predate the arrival of Columbus, the Virginia settlement and the pilgrims and their stupid hats.”
Other documents indicate the pilgrims did invite the Vikings. But they said the invite was lost in the mail. Obviously, the Vikings dispute the veracity of this document. “The U.S. government did not create the Postal Service until 1775.”
When reached for comment, representatives of native American tribes suggested the Vikings “Maybe check their Spam?”
Scholars suggest the pilgrims excluded the Vikings due to their tendency to drunkenly chat. “We have the need, the need for mead!”
After that, it seems the offended Vikings took their boat and went home.
Or did they?
THE VIKE-LINGS?
Several genealogists have posited that descendants of these Nordic North American explorers may be living among us today. Vestiges of Viking culture may persist in modern form.
“Take, for example, the recent proliferation of beards among cohorts of young, male-identified hipsters,” observes Dr. Indra Mudavarthi of the Freestone Institute’s Department of Genetics and Gerontology. “When we see this kind of atavistic evolutionary trait—long red, braided beards on man-bun and skinny jean-wearing twenty-somethings—we could actually be looking at malnourished Vikings.”
Mudavarthi contends that with proper care and feeding these so-called “vike-lings” could eventually reach their full final form as full-blown berzerkers. “Thanksgiving It’s the perfect opportunity to fatten them up,” she says.
To bring a vike-ling to its optimal girth, Mudavarthi recommends a diet of calorically-rich animal proteins. These include game birds, wild turkey (the poultry, not the bourbon brand), and reindeer.
“Vegan diets are the dietary enemy of a growing Viking,” says Murdavarthi. He claims to have raised several Vikings in captivity last summer on a diet consisting of organic reindeer jerky and a variety of locally-made microbrews. “Once they were weaned off plant-based ‘burgers’ and oak milk, they wouldn’t eat anything else.”
MVGA!
Members of the Mayflower Supper Club Society fear arguments about politics, religion, and whether or not they can “Make Vahalla Great Again.” These members claim to be descendants of the original pilgrims who expressed reluctance when pressed by Mudavarthi to invite her Viking brood to their annual “first Thanksgiving” re-enactment.
“We might have room at the kiddie table. But we have some concerns about child welfare,” said the dining society’s president Todd Aswegan. He cited unfounded rumors of alleged cannibalism historically amongst Viking sailors.
Mudavarthi pointed out that Vikings “never ate a kid, only baby reindeer. Eating reindeer is culturally acceptable where they come from.” WWN has confirmed this, given the recent trend of reindeer meat throughout Brooklyn.
She added, grumbling, “You eat one oarsman and everyone thinks cannibalism is like your thing.”
I thought it was the Native American Tribes that kicked the Vikings off North America.
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Maybe the Vikings never really left
That’s a long story to tell
Check your Spam’—even Native Americans knew the struggle of missed invites!
The USPS wasn’t even a thing until 1775… the Vikings definitely have a case here.
This Thanksgiving tale is hilarious! Imagine the Vikings, miffed about missing the first feast. Maybe they were too busy dominating the leaderboards on Snow Rider to RSVP. Or perhaps their invitation got lost sailing the high seas? Either way, a Thanksgiving reunion with some mead sounds like a good way to bury the hatchet (or axe!). Who knows, maybe those hipsters with the beards are modern-day Vikings craving a turkey leg.
The Vikings’ frustration not only reflects the desire for recognition, but also serves as a reminder of the importance of integration and respect between different cultures.
The Vikings’ frustration not only reflects the desire for recognition, but also serves as a reminder of the importance of integration and respect between different cultures.
The Vikings’ frustration not only reflects the desire for recognition, but also serves as a reminder of the importance of integration and respect between different cultures.
Hilarious. Imagine their longboats pulling up, ready to feast, only to find…nothing. Did those Pilgrims even have enough turkey to share anyway? Back in college, my roommate threw a “surprise” party for me, and I found out about it days beforehand. Talk about feeling left out of the loop! It’s a bit like trying to master Geometry Dash – frustrating when you keep crashing. I understand their pain.
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This article gave me a good laugh! The playful take on Vikings and Thanksgiving is both clever and entertaining. Thanks for bringing some humor to history—sometimes we all need a lighthearted perspective!
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Or perhaps their invitation got lost sailing the high seas? Either way, a Thanksgiving reunion with some mead sounds like a good way to bury the hatchet (or axe!). Who knows, maybe those hipsters with the beards are modern-day Vikings craving a turkey leg.
Haha, this title immediately grabbed me! The idea of Vikings feeling ‘dissed’ about Thanksgiving is absolutely hilarious. And the ‘translated ship logs’ confirming their dismay? Brilliant! I love the quote about no one even trying to reach out. What a fun historical take!
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The bit about the pilgrims claiming the Viking invite was “lost in the mail” (even though the Postal Service didn’t exist until 1775) and the Native reps saying “Maybe check their Spam?” made the whole “dissed Vikings” premise hilariously plausible. After reading the part about “vike-lings” showing up as man-bun hipsters with long braided beards, I had to take a quick break to unwind with casual games I like before imagining them being “fattened up” into full berserkers at Thanksgiving.