Anthropologists recently confirmed that Vikings reached the shores of North America one thousand years ago. They also confirmed that these Nordic explorers felt dissed. Apparently, they weren’t invited to the first Thanksgiving.
Cryptologists have translated The Viking ship logs. One entry reads: “No one even tried to reach out. Despite the fact that we predate the arrival of Columbus, the Virginia settlement and the pilgrims and their stupid hats.”
Other documents indicate the pilgrims did invite the Vikings. But they said the invite was lost in the mail. Obviously, the Vikings dispute the veracity of this document. “The U.S. government did not create the Postal Service until 1775.”
When reached for comment, representatives of native American tribes suggested the Vikings “Maybe check their Spam?”
Scholars suggest the pilgrims excluded the Vikings due to their tendency to drunkenly chat. “We have the need, the need for mead!”
After that, it seems the offended Vikings took their boat and went home.
Or did they?
Several genealogists have posited that descendants of these Nordic North American explorers may be living among us today. Vestiges of Viking culture may persist in modern form.
“Take, for example, the recent proliferation of beards among cohorts of young, male-identified hipsters,” observes Dr. Indra Mudavarthi of the Freestone Institute’s Department of Genetics and Gerontology. “When we see this kind of atavistic evolutionary trait—long red, braided beards on man-bun and skinny jean-wearing twenty-somethings—we could actually be looking at malnourished Vikings.”
Mudavarthi contends that with proper care and feeding these so-called “vike-lings” could eventually reach their full final form as full-blown berzerkers. “Thanksgiving It’s the perfect opportunity to fatten them up,” she says.
To bring a vike-ling to its optimal girth, Mudavarthi recommends a diet of calorically-rich animal proteins. These include game birds, wild turkey (the poultry, not the bourbon brand), and reindeer.
“Vegan diets are the dietary enemy of a growing Viking,” says Murdavarthi. He claims to have raised several Vikings in captivity last summer on a diet consisting of organic reindeer jerky and a variety of locally-made microbrews. “Once they were weaned off plant-based ‘burgers’ and oak milk, they wouldn’t eat anything else.”
Members of the Mayflower Supper Club Society fear arguments about politics, religion, and whether or not they can “Make Vahalla Great Again.” These members claim to be descendants of the original pilgrims who expressed reluctance when pressed by Mudavarthi to invite her Viking brood to their annual “first Thanksgiving” re-enactment.
“We might have room at the kiddie table. But we have some concerns about child welfare,” said the dining society’s president Todd Aswegan. He cited unfounded rumors of alleged cannibalism historically amongst Viking sailors.
Mudavarthi pointed out that Vikings “never ate a kid, only baby reindeer. Eating reindeer is culturally acceptable where they come from.” WWN has confirmed this, given the recent trend of reindeer meat throughout Brooklyn.
She added, grumbling, “You eat one oarsman and everyone thinks cannibalism is like your thing.”