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I’m madder than an astronaut who’s run out of Tang!

When I heard it was the anniversary of the moonwalk, I thought, Oh no: not more on that Michael Jackson nutcase!

But then I remembered! It was forty years ago that I sat up all night with my wife, staring at the TV, and turned to her about 3 in the morning and said, “So where the hell are the green, bug-eyed monsters?”

What a let down. But I never cared much for this whole space program, anyhow. First off, it was that damn Kennedy’s idea – probably another scam by his old man and the Mafia to smuggle booze, this time to the Martians. If Kennedy had lived, there’d be a casino up there by now.

I never trusted Kennedy with this “man on the moon” thing. I mean, the guy screwed up landing a handful of guys on a Cuban beach!

You probably thought old Ed was one of those idiots who think they faked landing on the moon, and just filmed it in Hollywood. Well, that’s crazy! Everybody knows it was really a plot to get us all to buy new television sets, so we could watch the stupid thing – then keep watching all their advertising for the next forty years.

Zillions of dollars were dumped into this NASA thing, and for what? Some crappy pictures on my television, and fake orange juice. Otherwise, a bunch of mice got to go on a fancy airplane ride!

My fellow Americans, we must shut down this make-work project for nerds! Unless NASA coughs up a real live space alien in 24 hours, I want my money back!