JUNEAU, AK – Sarah Palin, having resigned from being Alaska’s governor, is moving out of the governor’s mansion. To help speed the process she is holding an enormous yard sale.Outside of the mansion folding tables were filled with personal bric-a-brac and state treasures, each labeled with a hand-drawn price tag.
Fifteen mounted heads from Sasquatches Palin had shot were on sale. Each came with a certificate of authenticity citing that it was indeed a genuine Sasquatch, and detailing how it had died. Also available were 36 stuffed wolves the former governor had shot from a helicopter. They were all sold to one gentleman who said he wanted to start a pre-school.
A gold nugget, mined from the Alaskan Yukon in 1845 and formerly displayed in the mansion’s rotunda, was tied to a price tag that read $18,000. At the time of printing this item had been reduced to $16,500 with still no buyers.
Available as a set were 18 Alaskan breed mole men, coming complete with steel cage. The mole men stood an average of 2 and a half feet tall, and had previously been used to do Sarah Palin’s dry cleaning, and snow-mobile repair.
Of particular interest was a large filing cabinet which had been painted with red letters “Top Secret Files.” When asked what used to go into this filing cabinet Palin replied “Oh Nothin.’ Just… recipes.” Security agents kept reporters from investigating a large bonfire being held in the back yard at the same time.
Among the remaining doilies, quilts, and “Last Minute Pardons” available for sale, was a large anti-aircraft cannon. The price tag indicated that Mrs. Palin had used this to keep the Russians at bay from her back yard. Moscow denied any official comment regarding whether their planes were ever fended off by anti-aircraft fire from Mrs. Palin. The cannon is currently being shipped to the top of the Weekly World News headquarters in New York City.